Day + 1118
So many of you are praying for us and we are so thankful. We are in the care of amazing hands of angels disguised as nurses and doctors at Emory .
The last 5 days have spiraled into what have been the scariest and darkest days of my life. And my heart hurts to even write about it.
But I am trying to be as brave as I can because I know that is what Mike would want me to do. And because he has been nothing but brave every single day of this journey and been through more than any human should have to go through.
My heart has been broken into a million pieces all over again watching what he has endured in the last 5 days.
However I will not give up and will not lose hope because he is still fighting with ALL he has.
He is in the ICU at Emory. Early last Saturday morning we came to the ER because of leg pain and he started running a high fever. Over the course of the days since , Mike has gotten progressively sicker. It started with an infection in his leg. But his very weak lungs began to take a hit from every direction and it became exhausting to breathe on his own.
Early Wednesday morning , he told me he was too tired to do it on his own anymore . So with the the help of others we made the difficult decision to use the ventilator to help him breathe.
I don’t have words to express the difficulty of the morning but tears roll down my face as I type thinking of giving him a kiss and telling him how much I love him in the moments before they did the procedure.
Last night I scooted my pullout couch next to him as we always do on nights in the hospital and I played Zac Brown on my phone for him throughout the night. I told him over and over how much I love him.
Today the doctors and nurses tried to ween him a little off the sedation and he was able to respond to our voices. Even danced a little moving his head back and forth , when I played his favorite song Remedy for him. Giving a few weak thumbs up and raised eyebrows to familiar voices. I even read an “I love you “ from his mouth through the ventilator and many tubes blocking our view of each other, before I left
To see the kids for a little while this afternoon.
This was the most simple and greatest gift of Grace in this horrendous nightmare.
He is a fighter. And is in there fighting with all he has. This will be a marathon for sure, but I know he can do it.
He is in critical condition and this is a long road ahead of us. He needs so much rest and time to let his body heal. The next couple
Of day’s are crucial in which way his body will progress.
He is having to work really hard when he is awake so too many visitors is not the best thing at this time. We hate to have to limit visitors because that is not in Mike and my nature but he needs his rest in these first very critical days.
We need lots of prayers for a miracle and you are welcome to come to the visitor waiting room on the 5th floor to pray or visit with whoever maybe there at that time. Our family can use just as much support as we are all going through this together. And you can possibly peek in to let him know you are there if that timing is right .
You soldiers , are picking up the fallen pieces in every direction for us yet again. We can never repay you for all you do for us.
Doctors encouraged us this morning with a little hope that they will try to wean the vent in the next day or so. But know that this rollercoaster changes from highs to lows in a matter minutes .
We are taking it one day at a time .
One breath at a time.
I have so many questions and so many things I do not understand in this life. But I refuse to let these days and this journey to cause
me to lose my faith. It is still there deeply hidden amongst my fears and so many uncontrollable tears. I won’t lose it for the sake of Jake , Celia , and Graham.
Of all my questions, one thing could not be more clear and that is the depth of my love for Mike.
He is my everything. My hero. And has taught me the very meaning of TRUE love.
When I went to see the kids the lyrics of Broken Halos came on the radio they were blasting in the house.
“Don't go looking
For the reasons
Don't go asking
We're not meant to know the answers
They belong to the by and by
I quit looking for the reasons.
I surrender to the sadness.
I surrender to the pain.
I surrender to not knowing. And not understanding.
Knowing that love is beneath it all and that is all I need to understand.
In the meantime we set up our army back in the room after Mike’s brother reminded me of it yesterday.
We know you are all pulling for him from wherever you are ! Thank you from the bottom of our hearts.
We love you all.
And for Mike,
“It’s not whether you get knocked down , but whether you get up.” Vince Lombardi.
I believe he will get back up , because he knows he is so so loved.