Spending an unwanted amount of time in the hospital gives these words a truer understanding.
Our last 15 day stay in the hospital left me again begging for very few things in this world. Hospitals strip things down to what is important in life time and again. All I could hope for was...
Health for Mike and everyone suffering in the rooms surrounding us.
Especially for Jake , Celia , Graham and our families - those that love Mike painfully.
I would say happiness. But I believe it’s peace that is more important than happiness. Happiness is temporary. I think it’s more of a peace in their hearts that surpasses all understanding that I wish for for our children. Peace sustains us and makes happiness even sweeter.
I kept just wishing and praying that we could simply have more time to just be together. Loving and fighting with each other in our living room. Snuggled up on our couch.
That’s all .
Once you have had a life or death experience , with one foot in the door of what it might feel like to live without the person you love more than life , the breath is knocked out of you and your worldly desires become very small.
Peace - Loving.
Having had one foot in the door and having the cards dealt in our favor , has given me another new perspective other than the tremendous feelings of gratitude.
I love to travel. I want our kids to see the world. But mainly I just want time with them. It doesn’t matter where.
I love nice things and am human with a desire for more. I worked at Anthropologie and spent more than I made. 😬
But in the moments spent with mike and our family in the hospital ,
It was clear the desires that brought true wealth.
Family -friends- people
A stripping of all things Anthropologie that suddenly left me feeling completely empty. None of it mattered. None of them could have saved Mike or given us more time.
But I also have been thinking that even the wish for more time is a desire I must let go of.
That if we truly live are days well , we will have had enough time (living well doesn’t mean without suffering). Because I’ll be honest with myself , even at 90 I’m sureI would be wishing for more time too.
This year I am praying for the poverty of desires to continue. It’s easy to slip back into the clutter of desires, like my online shopping cart of converse shoes already one week after Christmas :) The feeling of never having enough things , trips, memories, time.
If I could offer advice for this year to myself it would be this.
I pray I will be able to love people well. And tell them how much they mean to me. Everyday.
And to just be.
Wherever I am.
With less desires.
Then I would have no regrets.
We spent New Year’s Eve , just the two of us , on the couch.
It’s not perfect. I wish his suffering was less. We are frustrated , irritable , and not always the most joyful to be around. 😑
But we are together. A prayer that was answered and I could not be more grateful for at this end of this year.
My heart hurts for John , Heather , Michael , Tiffany, Richard. All those whose story ended differently.
We keep fighting for them.
Thank you for donating to Share Love that’s all.
The desire for our story to be different or continue to go our way , might not happen. And I have to let go of that desire too. It is a tough one.
But what allows me to let go of that strong desire of more time with Mike and trust God’s plan for us , is the wealth and hope in knowing that someone else’s story might go their way from our story.
Thank you for continuing to give us hope in this world and faith in God, in believing in us and this mission to Share Love. Thank you or letting us share our story.
So this year don’t take the slow moments and little things for granted. Enjoy them and your time with people. Tell them you love them.
And don’t take the worldly desires too seriously.
They are just the icing of happiness on the cake . They are to be enjoyed too and not complained about. I will most likely buy the shoes :)