2020 , Damn.
It seems to be panning out to be a year of unbearable losses , not just for me and our family , but for the entire world.
I have been journaling some. Reading some. But I have had a hard time focusing on much of anything, except the next breath and step. I write a thank you note and can’t get through the next one . I have not addressed one, or correctly at least. Please know I am so thankful for each thing you have done for me and the kid’s.
Grief seems to be surrounding me from every angle and effecting so many people each day. My heart feels broken not only for myself, our kids and family but for the entire world.
I have been writing along the way but I feel my words don’t do any of the hurt effecting this world any type of justice. I am left wordless.
The words I thought I would share today don’t feel right to share on the FLM Friday.
Maybe next week.
My grief feels like a self pity party when I sit back and reflect on our bleeding world.
So instead on this FLM Friday , I am choosing to live like my hero, my angel , MY fight like Mike.
Who kept going despite all the suffering and pain he lived with everyday.
Who kept getting back up every time he got knocked down.
Who kept celebrating the tiniest of victories of each day. One Pilates stretch and breath at a time.
In the middle of the night last we said goodbye to sweet Emma . She was Mike’s dog originally . I always kidded him and said he always treated my dog ( Bella) like a step child and never loved her like he loved Emma, while I loved Emma like my own 😜
Emma was 14 , she lived an amazing life . Gave us hell , but loves us better. She was just like Mike. She kept going after a squirrel until her last day , the same way Mike fought and lived up until his last day.
No matter what.
Just a love for life until their final breaths.
It makes me smile to know they are together again. My mom went with me to take her to the emergency vet , we drove on hwy 29 to get there. 😇 We heard a ridiculous song about saying goodbye and how its hard to die, I think called seasons in the sun or something like that. It that made us laugh out loud. I know that was Mike , bringing his humor in all my sadness.
I came home and sat in our memorial garden we all ( or should I say Celia ) has created in our back yard and was loved on by the happiest dog in the world , Pearl. Mike’s purchase under the influence of a few ( maybe too many) beers 😜
More to come on the Garden but it is turning out to be my happy place more than I imagined. I resisted it because I keep thinking I don’t want a freakin memorial garden. I want him back. I want him in my backyard. I keep thinking I need to text him a picture of it. He would love it.
But this morning I found peace there when I felt like I had no where to go. I sat in the Garden from 5 am til the kid’s woke up. I talked to him , and thanked him for the laughs and for Pearl.
I told him I was so happy he had Emma now with him. I do find comfort in that.
In this same week we celebrated my Meme’s 90th birthday , and had the best week with MIch , Papa, And Nancy celebrating Celia and Ellie’s birthdays .
Life is full of amazingly joyful things too , amongst the grief and sadness.
I can’t forget that.
We can’t forget that.
I keep looking to Mike for guidance , through my heartache and my days of missing him so so so painfully bad .
I can find him showing up in unexpected moments of pure grace , reminding me to live like he did.
The entire world is hurting.
I would love to send love to someone you know who is suffering.
If you can’t purchase a shirt you can just email me an address and name .
And I will make sure they receive love.
You can also purchase a shirt at
I would love to share love in honor of Mike for your loved ones too.
I keep swimming through these waters. The seas feel so rough right now.
And it’s hard to keep my head above water.
But there is no way in hell I'm giving up.
I have to keep filling the bird feeders so the cardinals keep coming , so I can make Grahams daily wish come true - I wish I could catch him and squeeze him - Oh how I wish I could too, buddy.
And I guess I have three kids to feed too. 🤷🏽♀️
Fight Like Mike... trust God to do the rest!
The kids and I ate Chick-Fila chicken nuggets this morning and celebrated her life and all the chicken she ate in her 14 years.
DAILY MEDITATION | June 5, 2020
A Current of Joy
Celebration is not just a way to make people feel good for a while; it is the way in which faith in the God of life is lived out, through both laughter and tears. Thus celebration goes beyond ritual, custom, and tradition. It is the unceasing affirmation that underneath all the ups and downs of life there flows a solid current of joy. The handicapped men and women of L’Arche are becoming my teachers in the most important course of all: living in the house of God. Their joy leads me beyond the fearful place of all death and opens my eyes to the ecstatic potential of all life. Joy offers the solid ground from which new life can always burst. Joy can be caught neither in one feeling or emotion nor in one ritual or custom but is always more than we expect, always surprising, and, therefore, always a sign that we are in the presence of the Lord of life.