Friday night a year ago , we dropped the kids off at my parents so we could celebrate our 10 year anniversary.
We chose to go to an early bird dinner so we could make it back with plenty of time to watch many episodes of Suits on Netflix.
We debated on whether to even go out at all , but seeing that he was about to have a partial lung removal surgery on Tuesday , we powered through and “dressed up“ ,accidentally color coordinating.
My dad even took our prom style picture to document and I’m so glad we did.
On our way to dinner , Dr. Kota called Mike to tell him he thought he should postpone the surgery.
He said the latest scan had showed improvement of his lung infection.
This obviously was amazing news but my crazy brain sunk with fear and doubt.
What if we wait ? Will it get worse ?
Is this seriously the right thing to do ? Cancel at the 11th hour ? Really ? Should I be excited about this? I had just wrapped my mind around the surgery.
AND of course this was all about me😝.
This happened many times throughout our journey. Where I questioned tough decisions and plans changed at the very last second.
Yet that night I decided to embrace the decision made and be grateful.
decided to just enjoy the cheese and meat board ,pasta ,
glass of red wine , and the best company sitting across from me.
Ten years, a decade , of love later.
We said cheers to ourselves 🥂
I celebrated a decision I made ten years prior ,
where there was absolutely no question or hesitation.
A time when I knew without a doubt I wanted to marry this wild Cajun boy from Louisiana.
I have since realized , a year later , that there are points in our lives where we must trust someone that knows better for us, when things don’t feel certain . Someone that will hold answers for you , when we are not quite strong enough to hear them yet.
That night a year ago I for sure questioned Dr . Kotas decision. ( and he knows I did often , Mike would say - I know you just side texted him with more questions 🤪).
Mike was clearly thrilled after hearing from Dr Kota that night. Not having to show up for lung removal surgery on Tuesday was amazing news.
And it truly was.
But I wanted a quick fix for Mike.
To ease his pain right now.
To have a cure that would leave us with a lifetime of days and nights together.
A lifetime of anniversaries to celebrate.
And I had put all my hope in the surgery.
However I knew deep down , that the surgery wouldn’t solve all of our problems either.
I am thankful Kota knew better that day,
he always did throughout our journey.
I saw in November the real picture of what his lungs looked like , when he was put on a ventilator and so many questions were left unanswered between us. I immediately thought how he would have never survived the surgery, or at least with any quality of life.
His lungs were so damaged from graft verse host disease and the grapefruit size infection.
However his outward smile, appearance,
and drive to keep going didn’t let anyone see the real picture.
Except for his main man Kota.
He knew Mike’s reality.
And he held ALL the information for Mike.
And for me. The information we did not need to know just yet.
What an incredibly difficult job , an unbelievable responsiblilty ,
helping people make life or death decisions every day.
And this is why I wake up grateful for him and the doctors who cared for Mike each day.
They carried a burden for us , to alleviate Mikes suffering. An incredibly tough job.
It came natural for Mike to trust his doctors decisions.
I remember our first day in the hospital after his initial diagnosis.
When we knew his prognosis was grim, even if we never said it out loud to each other.
Mike said to me,
“ if everyone is telling me not to google and look up my disease , I guess I am just going to research my doctors “
And he did. For quite some time.
I’ve thought about him saying that lately , as I ride the waves of grief and the days without him by my side.
The days of questions and no answers.
The days of hoping for light. Days of trying to trust. Trust in better days ahead.
I have thought about the gift of extra good days we were given with Mike because of the decision to
Cancel the surgery that night of our anniversary.
I am learning to trust a God , with questions I am struggling with daily.
It takes effort and faith.
I am learning to believe in the not knowing.
And living the questions.
Believing in the fact that someone knows better than you do.
That someone is holding things you aren’t prepared to know just yet.
Maybe even God.
And just trusting it.
I thank Mike ( and Dr Kota’s ) relationship for that lesson.
The lesson of trust. That when you have done all you know to do each day , you can rest in trusting a God is handling the rest.
So today , on our 11th anniversary, while I fight the desire to cry all day and question all the reasons we are not together , going to dinner , and binge watching Suits instead of PJ mask.
I am choosing to be grateful for the time we did share together. The years we were given together. They were perfect in their messiness. And filled with deep love.
I know that he still does and always will have “whatever it is “. Even as my angel.
The kid’s and I went for an early walk today.
And got in our #milesformike .
(More on that for the Winship 5k to come soon.)
Instead of spending the day questioning. I am choosing to trust.
Trust that God knows better for me and the kid’s and our family.
That he is holding all that answers I am not yet strong enough to know.
Even in the sadness of grief and the missing him every minute of every day.
Thank you for the many ways you made me feel extra loved today through flowers, cookies , ice cream , cards , texts, and pictures.
I realized as I looked back at our wedding pictures. You all have stood by us from day one on our journey. And never left us, though sickness and health.
And what an incredible blessing you all are and I will never take for granted.
Keep celebrating all the special
Occasions in your life. You never know what the next year might bring.
“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief - but the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love. “ Hillary Zunin
I would take the risk of loving you every single time .
I love you and miss you so very much.