Fight Like Mike Friday
"If we allow grief to do its work, the love that lives within it becomes ever more clear and present to us. In, time the love has a way of overtaking the grief, so that our loving , rather than our grieving, becomes our primary bond to what we have lost. It is love that holds our cure. It is love that is our cure." Jan Richardson
Another letter to Mike.
Dear Snookie ,
Happy Fight Like Mike Friday.
Many days, I miss that the fight isn’t still about trying to get you better.
So I struggle with these Fight like Mike Fridays. But I believe you are better.
The kids and I often share when we have had dreams about you.
I think you are visiting them in their sleep too.
We have had shared some similar ones where you have been flying a plane.
You always had wanted to be a pilot but you were color blind and were worried you wouldn’t pass that test.
You loved to fly .
We believe these dreams of you flying , healthy, and happy , are your way of letting us know you are ok.
That you are better.
You taught the kids the most special story or lesson about the sky.
And I didn’t realize how much it would mean to us now ,at the time you taught them years ago.
You told them that the crescent moon , in the night sky , was Gods thumbnail.
Where you leaned that , I’m still not sure
( seemed a little sentimental for you 😜…. kidding 😉) .
But I’m so grateful you did.
You know I have been a struggling with where you are now ?
Where heaven is ? What you are doing there ? Can you see us ? How do we know it’s you ?
Before you died , I kept wanting desperately, for you to tell me how I would know it was you.
And you never had that chance because of the Carbon dioxide build up in your body.
But I remember well , Heather telling me , that I will just know.
That you probably didn’t even know yet.
But that one day I will know.
The cardinal visits are for sure one way I know you are with us.
Graham and I talked about them last Friday afternoon for a long time.
He misses you so much but his little brain doesn’t always have the words to express his grief I am learning. And it is coming out in anger ( again - college ,president of fraternity, you -coming out in him 😳)
He reminds me so much of you.
He has your kind heart that loves everyone they meet
but knows what he wants and will do anything to get it.
But he always is funny.
And I miss your humor more than I miss anything.
So I am grateful for it coming out in Graham.
When G and I had a some time
Alone last Friday afternoon and the big kids were finishing up school,
we talked to you.
Did you hear us ?
We said we really hoped you could hear us.
He said he wished the daddy red bird and the blue jay ( he loves to think of you as a blue jay too ) would land on his head.
Or he wants to catch you and keep you in his room.
So... did you hear us ? Him?
Can you land on his head already 😜?
Maybe just for a second.
I did tell him you have to live in the sky where you can fly to be with him wherever he goes
and seemed good with that.t
hat you loved more than anything to fly
and that’s why you come to us in our dreams as a pilot of a plane.
How lucky you are to be able to fly.
We won’t put you in a cage in his room, not yet at least 😘,
you know how well the fish are loved and cared for,Ha.
But I also felt the cardinal was a universal angel.
And I needed something more. Something for just us.
Sorry , but I did.
And lately I have come to believe Heathers message to me. That I will know in time.
This crescent moon 🌙.
It’s everywhere. Tv shows , the minion movie with our favorite character gru ( who we made you be at Halloween when you had no hair , a steriod face , and the perfect skinny gru legs )
my Apple Watch , when we fry eggs (your favorite and the only reason I know how to make them is you)
and the eggs land in the moon shape and when we make pancakes with a crescent moon cookie cutter we didn't know we had. .
In the kids books we read at night and when they run to me after they have paused a commercial ,
to come see the crescent moon on tv.
For giving me another way to feel you with me each second of each day.
The fall seems hard and missing you comes so easy this time of year more than ever.
It’s almost you and Jake’s birthday week and Jake is excited.
He wants some type of music player.
And I wish you were here to figure it out with me.
You were good at that and loved those things.
I loved that yalls birthdays were just a few days a apart.
No offense to graham and Celia but October became my favorite month many years ago when I married you.
I loved having your birthday to celebrate, Halloween , and pumpkin spice lattes.
Then , Jake was born
just three days after we celebrated your 27th birthday
at our house in Macon.
The fall also reminds me of you grilling on the back deck.
Alix wrote the most amazing letter to the kids .
That I had a hard time reading at first.
Because she described you perfectly in all the ways I missed you.
She said she would always remember you as the “Sunday afternoon Mike “.
She said anytime she thinks of you , she thinks of any given Sunday afternoon.
Grilling and making the best jambalaya. Music being played and football on the tv.
Kids running around playing. Being present. Simply being with each other for those everyday ..but precious Sunday’s.
And tears still stroll as I reread it this morning. “The Sunday afternoon Mike “ is what I miss most too.
We all do.
And the fall air and the thought of football,
makes your absence all the more present.
Celia misses this Mike too .
Your grilling won her heart over and she will not let anyone forget that.
She had your dad grilling wings on your big green egg when they visited last.
And called my dad on a random Monday at work , while I was in the shower to see if he would come grill the burgers on the egg since I don’t know how to use it yet
and the gas grill just will not do.
She loves to talk to Joe about making her brisket
and how you and him would always compete on whose was better.
On Labor Day , she talked my mom into using the egg at their house to grill burgers for her.
I missed you on Labor Day as I remembered you last year grilling for her in St Francisville.
Rob got there just in time to have to do the grilling. As my mom and I were inside , we heard her tell Rob,
“ Your burgers smell as good as my daddy’s”.
She misses her daddy's burgers.
My heart dropped in my own sadness of missing you, and I couldn't keep the tears inside this time.
BUT at the same time I felt the greatest joy as I remembered Alix’s email.
“The Sunday afternoon Mike” .
Your sweet Celia knows that Mike too.
And we all will not let her forget that part of you.
Between all the special men ( and women) in her life,
we will all keep grilling to keep your memory alive for her.
I guess I will learn the big green egg in time too . Haha.
Keep showing up for us this fall. Pretty please .
We talk about , how we believe you are resting comfortably in God’s thumbnail. How God is taking care of you now , while we can't each day.
And you rest there watching over us at night while we sleep.
Every time we see that crescent moon we believe you are safe in Gods hands now,
the safest you could possibly be .
Each cardinal, each moon remind me to keep fighting for you here. That although your work was done here on earth. Ours is for sure not.
I have had talks with Dr Arellano and Dr. Kota this week , and they both continue to work for that cure each and everyday. You would be proud. And I will never give up.
And we will celebrate your birthday with joyful hearts , grateful hearts because we were able to know and feel your love. That is the greatest gift I could have ever been given. And that love is really not gone. It is here in your kids, your family, and friends. Thank you for helping me remember that through these signs and angels.
We will raise money , and keep moving for you . And we will trust with all we have that God is taking care of the rest. And most importantly you. We will rest in that on our back porch with delicious food, football, and music and each other. Knowing you are still with us. I believe that our loving will over take our grief. And that our love is will be what bonds us together. forever. Not our grief.
I love you 29 snookems, more and more each day.
We also have been hearing Broken Halos on the radio often. Jake so loves it and I love to Hera him sing the lyrics.
Seen my share of Broken halos Folded wings that used to fly They've all gone Wherever they go Broken halos that used to shine
Angels come down From the heavens Just to help us on our way Come to teach us Then they leave us And they find some other soul to save
Seen my share of Broken halos Folded wings that used to fly They've all gone Wherever they go Broken halos that used to shine Broken halos that used to shine
Don't go looking For the reasons Don't go asking Jesus why? We're not meant to know the answers They belong to the by and by They belong to the by and by