Small miracles
Day +1037
I am sorry for the long email.But in an attempt to heal to my heart I am learning that vulnerability seems to be the key. It is not easy but I feel it is so important. Nothing about these past three years has come easy. But I believe , like Ryan Hidinger , that things worth while and long lasting take time and surrender. Including the healing of my broken heart. Thank you for allowing me to share our family’s story. Our love story.
We loaded up in Mikes truck Sunday afternoon. We dropped off the dogs and kids at my mom and dad’s house. Mike and I headed out on our mini road trip to Augusta. His Pet scan was scheduled for early Monday morning so we decided to go the night before and have a date night and dinner out.
As we headed off to Augusta I had this sudden flash back of Sunday afternoons in Auburn. We would listen to music in his greenish teal pick up truck, with a springy cross that hung from his rear view mirror. We would drive around deciding where to eat , Mellow mushroom or Pita Pitt, and wonder what Sunday night movie we would watch, often he let me choose - How to lose a guy in ten days :) We laughed and Rehashed stories of the fun and busy college football weekend . It was almost over and Monday morning classes were in sight and kind of a dreadful thought. We hung on to these last hours of freedom before the week began and I would want to live in the moments of those Sunday afternoons forever.
This past Sunday felt like that. We had had a fun busy weekend with friends and family , an 8 year old soccer game and instead watching the auburn football from our couch . The weekend was winding down and Mike and I had been gifted the Sunday afternoon drive to listen to music , not the Moana soundtrack , and talk about where we wanted to eat(not McDonalds) and what show we could watch from the hotel bed. A feeling of comfort and safeness in the small space in his new red truck again , where time seemed to stand still.
He didn’t put the GPS on , he told me we use to not drive around with Siri counting down the minutes to destinations and we use to just remember where we were going. I was thankful because I wanted the two hours to last forever too. Where we could hide from the anxiety feeling of the Monday morning test, much more important than any AU physics test, creeping in a just a little trying to steal the joy, where cancer would try to steal my time with him on this earth.
But I wasn’t going to let it because I felt safe and at peace in his truck and wanted these few hours to feel like an eternity. Somehow , the Sunday afternoon grace , left me with greatest peace and I didn’t want to face the reality of Monday morning.
There is a new hotel in Augusta that has a roof top bar. After dinner we went up to the top to see the sunset. There was a beautiful church with three crosses at the top of each steeple. I prayed . I prayed for the miracles of healing.
But I also thanked God for the miracle of life. The simple miracles of Sunday drives. The everyday moments that are miracles we sometimes pass up because we are in a hurry.
Time stands still for me when a scan is close enough to smell the Medical supplies and hear the loud ticks ,humms and moans of the machine.
And in these moments of slowness I feel and witness Gods spirit with me more than ever.
Sunday night as we sat amongst a beautiful view I was grateful for the miracle of time and simple moments Mike and I have spent together. The miracle that his lungs were healing and he was not recovering from surgery. That we were simply able to sit here on this rooftop and watch the sunset. I thanked God soapily for that.
Monday proved to be as difficult as a Monday morning hangover after a game weekend in Auburn. Only no toilet paper on trees to clean up the mess of the day it would bring.
But I couldn’t help to feel filled by what the Sunday drive and Sunday miracle had fueled me for. .
We woke to a flat tire and had to Uber to his scan at 7am. On any given Monday in college this would have ruined your day immediately , however we were headed to a Pet scan and so I know we didn’t fight like we may have in the past because the pressure we felt in our bodies for what lied ahead could have filled every flat tire in the city.
While mike was back for his scan I went to the children’s hospital to get coffee at McDonald’s and sit at the fountain and healing garden they have outside. I prayed. I prayed . I prayed. Believing miracles would happen. I also numbed myself with instagram , Anthropologie , and too much coffee , I am no saint :)
When he was finished, we got the next Uber driver to take us to a Napa store to buy an air pump.
And then drop us back off at the hotel, where we had to ask an employee to borrow their car because his truck did not have a cigarette lighter to plug the pump into. Were we really back at Auburn ??
No , I would have let Mike change the tire on the side of the road , for the record he can do that well. But seeing that he was suppose to have lung surgery two weeks ago and couldn’t breathe standing up , he said he would do me a favor and listen to me and take the car to firestone to have them change the tire instead. Thank you , Mike .😜
To make even longer story short , we finally made it to the lobby of the cancer center. The uber drivers suddenly know why the flat tire isn’t a big deal in our day.
I was actually growing to enjoy the inconveniences because they were prolonging the results and made me feel like the humans we were in our life before the call of cancer, except I promise mike and I wouldn’t have been so nice to each other 😘
We waited to see Kota in the lobby and after a while we were finally called back to a room.
Our Monday morning test results were in and Kota had them , and a plan of action.
There is good news and not great news.
He shared with us that the scan showed a new very small spot in his kidney.
There has also been a small Lesion on his pelvis for the past 18 months. If you remember, they radiated that spot last January.
It continues to light up some on the scan .
The good news is that his lungs continue to improve and the cavitary lesion is almost gone. Which is a miracle we are
So grateful for. He has felt better over the last few weeks.
I felt so angry for a few moments because I felt like we were robbed of a chance to celebrate the news of the lungs because the next curve ball had already been thrown. Thank you, Leukemia. Of course his lungs are better. Of course they are.
Kota took us to meet with a doctor who is going to take a biopsy of the spots as well as use a technique called cryotherapy. The are able to go in less invasively and freeze these small tumors/lesions/ whatever they are .Pathologist, Dr. Kholi , will also be there to test the sample.
They hope by testing this new spot they will be given more options of treatments .
We loved the doctor who will be doing the procedure. ! He was so positive, confident , and hopeful.
They will do the procedure in two weeks.
The next steps are to figure out what drug will stop these spots from coming up again.
Dr Kota is on it. He too is confident in other treatments and that we have options.
I wrote a whole post (TWICE) earlier last week. And somehow my lack of technology gene deleted them both.
It was about miracles. And my many many questions of why and who , get granted miracles prayed for.
So many times over the past month and years the word , Miracle, has been used to describe Mike.
And yes I believe it to be true. The continuous gift of time has been a miraculous gift I will NEVER take for granted.
But I also wonder about why some don’t get granted the same miracles they pray for and have no less people praying for them than we do.
Emily. Everyday I am mad she did not get miracle cure.
Phil. It is unfair.
Penny. Jason. Celia. Steph’s mom. Courtney. Bill. Alyse. And on and on.
Where does God live in these questions of faith and the decisions of who gets the BIG miracles.
Yet I keep thinking of my Sunday afternoon drive with Mike and the Albert Einstein quote…
Either everything is a Miracle or nothing is.
And Deep down I know to be true, that EVERYTHING is a Miracle. This is how we find true joy in our life.
The Small moments of joy and gratitude . The hugs and giggles on the couch while listening to the kids excitedly say , “Hey Daddy!” When he has come home from WORK the past week.
If we are in a hurry and focused only on the big one, we miss the mini ones that really Count.
I would have missed the many miracles that happened Sunday if I had only focused on Mike’s clear or not clear scan on Monday.
Don’t wait for the good news to start living. Or the bad news to start noticing.
Life.
Death.
And love.
Mostly love.
These are all miracle gifts from God.
We should not take them for granted.
This Morning this post came on instagram and I knew why my recent blogs had been deleted.
(Gods timing again I suppose)
“Sometimes miracles are simply good people with kind hearts”
And ultimately this is all we need to know. We may not get the big miracle we pray for. But God is performing small miracles through good people with kind hearts everyday. People like you , who keep loving us. People like his doctors. Our family. Our friends. Our Uber drivers. That make our Monday blues worth living for. This is what’s important.
We left the hospital and picked up the truck from Firestone. The spare tire was fixed just like that, with ease . The same ease, this doctor said he could fix these two pesky lesions. We pray it is any easy fix too.
The tough part , Kota’s job :) , is to find a new treatment , a new tire that Mike will be able to drive on for many many more years. And he is NO less confident that he will. I pray for him as he makes big decisions for us on so many days. My heart hurts for doctors as they have to share not great news with patients.
We stopped at a gas station and loaded up on road trip junk food since we had not eaten all day and maybe to numb some of the pain .
We talked to family on the drive.
As everyone asked how he was taking the news , he said how he is a little tired from the hurdles that keep coming and this one was a little too close to the last one , he felt the finish line was pushed back again.
We have hope , faith, believe in daily miracles , and believe in love, yet this journey sometimes makes you very weary and exhausted.
I pray for strength and courage on this hurdle for him. If it’s anything like the last one , he will clear it easily too. We don’t need much right now , just love!
We love you all.
Keep swimming.
I’m sending another email and more details on the blog about Saturday October 5th. You can join us at the Winship 5k for the race.
https://secure2.convio.net/emory/site/TR/5KRun/Winship5k?team_id=2143&pg=team&fr_id=1170
And then an afternoon of fun at our first FLM - Share love , That’s All. Fundraiser. More to come on that!!
You can purchase tickets at
Sharelovethatsall.com
And Happy Birthday to D, who taught me with his card-
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
We keep trusting the journey. Trusting God’s story for us. And believing in the everyday miracles.
Lindsey
