FLM Friday 3/ 15/24

Dear you, 

I went with my mom to look for a new couch yesterday.

I am always grateful for her making me get out of the house and my head.

We had a fun morning with Leah and John too.

We didn’t find one or I guess I should say I couldn’t decide.

You always hated the couch because after you spent a week on the ventilator it could never bring comfort for your aching  body.

That’s when the chair became “ daddy’s chair “.

I’m not sure the kids are ready to replace the indoor trampoline,

but I’m kinda tired of smelling pee

( whether it is from the kids , dogs or bunny - I won’t point fingers).

I sometimes wonder how many other people smell pee too but just don’t say anything . 

It has served its purpose.

It has held and comforted  ( many of us )

on countless sleepless days and nights of missing you.

But I think it’s time to let it go.

I know you would agree. 

However sometimes decisions like simply whether to not to get a new couch ,

make me hesitate. What would Mike think? 

I am grateful for your voice in my head pushing me forward .

Although the weight of grief is less than years prior ,

as the month or March settles in ,

as dandelions are in full bloom,

and cardinals are visiting the feeders more frequently,

the weight of 329 seems to get heavier with each passing day.

I pick  dandelions and blow them on my runs.

Making wishes with each one.

The same way Celia and I did the morning after you died.

She wished that you would always let us know you are with us.

 Some how in my fog , I pulled out my camera and videoed her and Ellie that sad  morning.

It is the sweetest video.

I don’t remember doing that.

But I had a good cry.

Last Saturday morning Celia and I had a moment by ourselves in your truck. 

I let her ride in the front seat and play D.J. 

She still loves music like she did when you would drive us around 

listening to Zac Brown in this same truck. 

“ Toes in the water.. ass in the sand”

She still says you taught her “ass” first by letting her listen to that song. 

I think Ellie could say the same thing ( about me maybe ..haha).

Of course her favorite go to is Taylor swift, along with every ten year old girl. 

She really loves all music, which makes me happy. 

She even entertains my Motown favorites , Four tops, Supremes, Temptations.

A love that stems from my childhood memories of  listening to them in the car with my dad. 

Old Dominion’s , Memory Lane and Paul Russell’s ,Little Boo Thang,

are her current favorite that  she’s exhausted..

This morning we were listening to Zac Brown radio.

I am taking them to their first Zac Brown concert in May. 

They know it was OUR thing. 

And I feel they often play him when they are quietly missing you. 

The next song that played was 

The River , by Garth Brooks. 

Of course I immediately thought of you. 

and told her this was one of your most favorite songs. 

There's bound to be rough waters

And I know I'll take some falls

But with the good Lord as my captain

I can make it through them all

Yes, I will sail my vessel

'Til the river runs dry

Like a bird upon the wind

These waters are my sky

I'll never reach my destination

If I never try

I told her that you actually had a really good deep voice. 

Especially when you sang Garth Brooks songs. 

She turned her head quickly toward me with a smirk , like yeah right.  

I imagined you singing the lyrics  to us. 

In your deep, southern slightly cajun accent .

I don’t know if I actually ever told you

just how much your voice made me melt. 

We turned  up the volume. 

And we sang each word .

She’s also into looking up and learning

all the lyrics as she sings the songs. 

She sang loud with your confidence. 

You know a dream is like a river

Ever changin' as it flows

And the dreamer's just a vessel

That must follow where it goes

Trying to learn from what's behind you

And never knowing what's in store

Makes each day a constant battle

Just to stay between the shores

Too many times we stand aside

And let the waters slip away

'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow

Has now become today

So don't you sit upon the shoreline

And say you're satisfied

Choose to chance the rapids

And dare to dance the tide

The words could not have touched me more. 

Don’t sit upon the shore line

And say you are satisfied. 

Choose to chance the the rapids 

And dare to dance the tide. 

I’ll never reach my destination 

If I never try. 

Celia (I am sure you know)

is all of this and more. 

You were all of this .

And I told my dad that afternoon , through tears, 

 I pray  this 5th year without you that we are entering,  

that I can truly live like you did. 

You effortlessly loved life,

effortlessly lived, 

each and every day. 

You did not stand on the shore, 

Even when you were sick . 

Even when you were dying. 

You always dared to dance the tide, rough waters or calm. 

Celia does not sit upon the shore line either. 

She is in fact elbow deep in rapids of  shaving cream slime on our kitchen counter. 

You would have died again last night if you had walked into the mess I did at 9pm. 

I apologized to  her when we went to bed  for  totally freaking out about it . ugh. 

Because I never want to squash her love for life but also … I'm tired .... 

She got that spirit from you. 

(Not her love for slime because you hate messes more than anyone)

But her way of making all her ideas come to life. 

Her way of figuring things out, 

her curiosity, 

Perseverance,

And love for life. 

(and tireless energy.. whew)

Music is one of the portals

we enter to find you.

And I’m grateful for this gift .

The melody of The River

carried us right to you Saturday morning

and I am grateful.

Writing is another portal.

I read back a blog I wrote just days after you died. 

The day your dad, my dad and I went to the funeral home. 

It describes your love for life. 

A gift you gave me.

Time is healing. 

And we are stronger. 

But you know that already. 

Because whenever I take a next step

( whether small house couch decisions, or more important decisions about your three clones. ) 

when we step into the next chapter we are entering 

the cardinals song is louder,

the crescent moon is brighter, 

And the 29’s on license plates pass me on the road more frequently.

Giving us the confidence we need.

As we travel down this new road,

new life and chapter,   

 YOU are pushing us forward , 

reminding us there will be rough waters.

But with the good Lord as our captain we can make it through them all. 

Thank you, Snookie. 

With Each Dandelion wish ,

 I pray I will live even more  like you did. 

Effortlessly,

with confidence and so much love,

that I will keep swimming

through the suffering and the joy,

each and every day.  

I will never reach my destination. 

If I never try. 

I pray theses seeds of prayers take root stronger than ever before. 

Love you, 

Me