FLM fRIDAY- November 10 2023
I kept swimming/riding through October.
I have been in this ocean of grief long enough
to know the importance of forward motion.
And as I was bounced around in
this speed boat of life that J, C, and G
have me on, I am grateful, but
I was also left a little sick in my stomach.
We are riding over waves at full throttle
in order to make it to basketball, lacrosse, and gymnastics each week.
Birthday parties, Halloween, festivals…
all fun waves to ride over with joy and excitement.
But yet in October every other wave,
left me feeling like I was about to fall out of the boat.
Your 40th birthday, Jake's birthday, Winship 5k, your 7th transplant birthday.
The swells of you.
The swells of missing you kept growing.
I kept stuffing them down with more Reese's pumpkins.
(Obviously noticeable to Graham,
as he brought me a handful he got trick or treating. HA )
Leaving me even more nauseous.
I miss you.
Missing you seemed to be the only
thing that could slow this crazy boat down.
I realized I needed someone else to take the driver seat.
I needed to put on a life vest.
I needed to surrender.
To accept the help.
The gracious offers for carpools ,sleep overs, and dinners.
It is hard to surrender.
Because often I just want you.
I want your help.
I want us to be a family of 5.
I want you to make a decision on their behalf.
I want you to tell them NO. :)
And so I get angry and grieve the loss of what I feel “ should have been”.
And then I top it off with shaming myself for feeling this way.
Feeling guilty for not being grateful for all the way people love us.
We are stronger.
I am stronger.
And so I didn’t think I should be this sad.
I am yet again forced to surrender.
I forget the strength in surrendering.
Surrendering to the deep
dark ocean floor of grief.
It is scary there.
The swell finally crashes into the shore.
The tears flow as fast as waves.
I find you.
In the tiny grains of grace.
On the ocean floor.
Here I find that missing you will always feel the same.
This is proof of love.
And Grace catches me here.
This is God
This is the healing power of love.
A wise friend told me last week,
“ if we don’t let ourselves hit the bottom,
We can’t get the momentum to bounce back up."
Grace is the momentum.
It has not failed me yet.
It is found in deep healing.
On the deep ocean floor of grief.
Will bounce me back up .
Happy ( belated) 40th birthday.
We celebrated you by living the day to the fullest.
And of course with Homemade Bluebell Vanilla ice cream.
We are doing our best to live like you....
and trust God with the rest.
We miss you , Mike.
I have really struggled to feel Mike this month. We have been busy. I have kept swimming.
But I have felt sadness come back .Heavier than usual. When we were at the winship 5k . I kept asking Mike to show up for me. To really let me know he was there. I was in my desperate stage of needing some special attention. As usual I am sure he was annoyed with my neediness. I never really had that moment or special God wink from him. But it was truly a beautiful morning and I was feeling at peace ,and hopeful after the walk regardless of his lack of attention. 🙂
As we walked to the car. Celia was skipping beside me with a big smile. Without even looking up she said,
“While we were on the walk , I looked down and saw MIKE written in the concrete. I wondered if you and daddy had written it ?”
Celia , Jake, and Graham continue to be my greatest teachers on grief, life, and how to keep swimming. They are always present. They are always reminding me he is with us. I know the seas of grief will eventually settle. And this wave will pass like all of the others. It will take the balance of swimming and surrendering.
Keep Swimming and surrendering , Friends. I know the waters are rough. But you got this! You are not alone!