KEEP SWIMMING

5 years later.

I have learned a few things.

The real meaning.

The real depth of how to fully live

Mikes final love letter to me ….

Keep swimming.

When I feel the swells of the

Ocean rising.

The pressure .

Building inside my gut.

My heart.

My body.

Pulsing.

When the floods of grief

rushes in

and pumps

through my body

faster than blood

from my heart

through my veins.

When I feel like I might explode.

Being the cause of a cat 5 hurricane in my house.

( it’s already a stormy forecast each day with teenagers 😂

they don’t need my emotional storm too )

Time has taught me

to slow down.

Breathe.

Be still. Be quiet.

And pray.

I’ve traded early morning runs for prayer

and reading

and writing letters to God.

I have to find God.

I feel desperate again .

Desperate to find

the center.

In the depths of this storm.

God…

Seems to always find me…

on the bottom

of the ocean floor.

The peace is here.

In the pearls buried

deep on the ocean floor

In the darkest

Dirtiest

The oysters .

The pearls of wisdom.

Peace.

Grace.

Love.

When I can feel it.

When I feel the grief.

When I’m  still long enough

To touch the pain.

The sting.

The ache.

Of how bad it feels to lose someone you love.

After sitting long enough for my coffee to bouy me

Or maybe it’s finally in the surrendering to God .

Or crying to my mom .( or family or friends)

That is my anchor.

Relief.

Release.

Surrender.

And then as Grace and love rush in.

So does the caffeine.

I go for a run.

The grief pours out through

My sweat and tears.

And I keep swimming.

I keep running slowly.

I am 41 now.

lol

We miss you Mike.

Every single day.

This week has made me extra proud of our three kids.

Making me miss you extra.

There were days when you were dying ,

when I wondered how they would ever be ok.

And 5 years later ..

I hope you see them.

they are more than ok.

They are also feeling all the sadness. All the anger.

But mostly all the love.

It always wins.

And they remember to never give up.

That it’s not in the getting knocked down.

But in the getting back up.

That’s what matters.

How you keep swimming though it all.

Thank YOU for teaching us.

Nothing about this life is easy.

But it is beautiful.

And I hope they always live fully.

Feeling it all.

My prayer is that in the depths of their darkest pain.

(And middle school has brought new pain no doubt. )

My prayer is always that

I hope they feel gods love.

YOUR love when they are sad .

I hope they know they are always enough in Gods eyes.

God sees them.

The same way they were seen in our eyes . on the day they were born .

Because if there is one thing that is lasting , one thing that never dies.

Is love.

And I hope it buoys them.

In forward motion.

Always.

So they feel the greatest joy and happiness on the other side of grief.

This week held all of that for me.

Celia said the pledge at her awards ceremony.

Of all the awards given I would like to give her the award for our house this week—-most like YOU.

I see her following your footsteps steps in to president of her sorority 😂

And as I cried tears this morning,

Happy and sad.

All encompassed and intertwined , from another years passing.

Another year of them growing older and another year of missing you.

I could not decipher the sad tears from the happy tears.

I think this is what it feels like to be truly alive.

My mom reminded me

to keep swimming before we hung up the phone this

Morning.

So I keep swimming.

More grateful than ever for our army ,

that has loved us through the worst storms as we sat on the depths of the ocean floor.

And waited for relief.

Each one of you.

Has been an angel

here on earth.

To bring me back to Gods love that has no boundaries.

And thank you for continuing to love us as we keep swimming today

through awards programs , graduations, dances: confirmations , hormones 🙄and field day .

I am grateful for our village.

The thought  of you all ,  brings me to the most  grateful tears.

I am grateful.

That 5 years later,

Surrenderingto Gods love …

Will always keep me swimming.

I’m grateful for perspective and for time in the practice of grieving.

( I guess 🙄😂)

Knowing that the storms settles

Just like the grief in my body.

Light comes.

That Love will always be enough.

Keep swimming yall !

Love.

Me.