Flm Friday( a day early:)
Yesterday I took Jake and Graham to the dentist.
Graham needed a cavity filled.
Jake needed a tooth pulled.
No one was happy with me, obviously.
Graham said that the creepy room,
with the creepy tools, freaked him out.
Me too, I told him.
After they were done,
the hygienist brought me, Jake,
and his tooth.
She said he didn’t want to keep it.
I get that.
But she told me it was his last baby tooth.
And maybe I would want it,
so she saved it for me.
This past weekend,
I was going through the only two shoe boxes in your closet,
where you kept things important enough for you to save.
Honestly, there is not much in them…
I always hope each time I go through them
that I will find something I haven’t seen before.
Maybe a love letter.
But I don’t.
You kept the cards I wrote you,
Cards the kids wrote you.
Those make me cry every time.
A few pocket knives.
Some special cards people wrote you while you were sick.
Many plastic baggies of Jake’s teeth.
You were the best tooth fairy.
This week I went to Pap’s funeral.
These past few days, I have been writing so much
about the impact, he had on my life.
He was loved by everyone.
But I have missed you desperately over the past week.
I flew back home from Louisiana Tuesday,
just in time to take the boys to the dentist.
So when she told me that it was Jake’s last baby tooth.
I felt that hole of grief in my heart
Ripping and gaping open once again.
Like Jake’s gigantic hole in his mouth.
Poor guy.. he did not see that coming.
Man, that baby tooth had some giant roots.
The boys are tough ( well Celia too)
Just like you, Snookie. They didn’t get that from me. Ha
and they went on to “help coach“
Celia’s basketball practice that night.
When we went to bed and said prayers,
They asked me about the funeral.
And sweet Jake asked how Papa and Granny were doing.
She must be sad… Graham said.
“you know how when you die you turn into something,
Daddy is a cardinal….
What do you think Pap is?”
We all 100% agreed he was a deer.
I hope you are together.
I am sad.
We are sad.
But like your dad said,
You are taking care of each other now.
And that gives us peace.
Pap had told your dad,
you know I will get to see him first.
I know my time here on earth.
is nowhere near being done.
But I do envy him.
Because I desperately …
I am still trying to have faith.
I am trying to not question.
Like the lyrics of one of favorite songs..
“Don’t go searching for the reasons.
Don’t go asking Jesus why.
We are not meant to know the reasons.
They belong to the by and by. “
I have to blindly believe that.
It’s hard when that hole in my heart
Your hole in my heart,
Is opened to the air again.
And like Jake’s hole,
The muscles around stay sore for days to follow.
I know it will lessen again.
Signs from you help.
Like the crescent moon, your dad sent the night of Pap's funeral.
Or this morning.
When we were going to school
I put the garage door up.
And I could hear your song.
I have not heard it for a while.
Where have you been?
The cardinal you.
I am sure off getting into trouble.
You used to always be in that tree
by your truck in the driveway.
I was happy you were back.
Graham heard it first.
And he said- I hear daddy.
He was right.
We went and listened to you.
We thought that you came to tell us,
you are happy, you are with Pap.
I miss you being the tooth fairy.
Of course, the tooth is still on the counter
Of course, I forgot.
( not that he believes..lol)
But you never forgot stuff like that.
I also weirdly,
miss you cutting their toenails.
Their toenails grow like yours.
And I miss you
when I cut their toenails.
These are the things
that make being a widow sad.
Things only J, C, and G could understand about themselves from you.
I have an army helping me and I am grateful.
But some things are just in their DNA, in their blood,
in their souls, and their toes…where only you can live.
And I hate they don’t get to have the physical you
that is exactly them.
So I cry on those nights.
And I miss you,
In the small moments.
But for now… I must stop questioning.
The signs have to be enough.
And they will be.
The hole will be healed by love.
Until the next creepy tool
comes to pull out the deep grief,
the price of love.
( and expensive dental procedure)
The roots of our love.. exposed again.
But with each exposure, there is strength gained in faith.
We are growing.
Especially your kiddos.
And in permanent teeth ( if we can only remember to brush this set).
And .. a knowing that the only cure for love...
is more love.
I love you 29,