Winship 5k and more

Better late than never.

The Winship 5k is less than a month away.

Over the past five years I planned for it months in advanced.

But better late than never seems to be the name of the game this year.

Can’t quite get ahead of the daily grind.

And according to all the older wise souls I love , I never will.

So it’s hard to believe it snuck up this quick.

I knew October was on the horizon because

Jake asks me everyday for an iPod touch for his birthday.

Followed by a list of why he is ready ,

is taking a pole of all the kids in his grade who have some device ,

and how he is responsible.

I think that I avoid Jake’s question mostly

because that means Mike's birthday is coming too.

And all the things that October brings. Fall football ,

cooler breeze, birthdays , candy corn , Halloween,

and the Winship 5k .

All the things that made this month my favorite.

But I miss Mike.

And that is trumping everything good.

I don’t want to stay sad.

Because I know he doesn’t want that for me.

And because the kids.

They are joy each day.

They find it.

They are pure light.

I show up late for fundraising

I think because my brain has been clouded.

I also know J, C, and G were Mikes greatest legacy.

He was only worried about them.

And the past month,

I have been pouring energy into guiding them through their grief

and getting adjusted to a new routine.

New grief clubs, New rooms , new beds , new spots teams, new bedtime….

Somethings I am winning

other things not at all.

They have adjusted well , way better than I expected , and I couldn’t be more thankful.

Yet I found myself sinking back into the grief.

I missed our life with Mike.

Our hectic , unpredictable, messy , day to day life.

Not knowing what doctor appointment would come next.

Here I was trying to create a new normal in a life that will never feel normal again.

He is missing.

The new routine

is naturally becoming a new normal.

And I’m learning to accept that.


But surely.

But not without kicking a screaming.

Often people wonder how the kids are doing.

And I am thankful for how are ok they are.

They are loving the new beds.

New rooms.

And predictability of day to day routine.

So I will take it .

However long it last.

I know they feel Mike with them.

And I feel sure he is.

I wrote this long email yesterday.

And didn’t share.

I think because sometimes it sounds sad , a lot like self pity.

And Mike would hate that.

His voice is always in my head.

So I went to Orange Theory

instead of posting it,

to meet my sister in love .

I have been trying to get out of my head ,

my own self pity ,

when I have the energy to.

Saying yes to lunches and outings with loved ones and new friends.

Yes to kates club , birthday parties, soccer, and street parties with neighbors .

I find even when in my head and heart I want to say no ,

Mike and God are saying yes for me.

Gods Grace is showing up , when I say yes.

Orange theory was another one of those yes's.

When I go for a run by myself , I tend to stay in my own thoughts. Ha , like you couldn’t tell, most everything I send was something I typed in the notes on my phone during a run as I almost run into a stop sign.

I finally took the signs advice , and got out of my head.

At the exercise class , if you have never been to one.

There is a coach leading the 1 hour class.

You go from treadmill to rower to weight floor.

While on the treadmill , Jasyman our coach , guides you through the workout.

She has inspired me more than she knows each week.

She pushes me and guides us through the ....

Walk , base, push , and all out.

Yesterday the goal was to be able to keep the base pace after a longer push.

She said, being able to maintain the base after a push ,

would cause your heart to get stronger while in that zone.

I tried to stay there.

Not exactly easy.

And the end of each block ,

you have a 30 second all out.

When you are dead.

Can’t breathe.

you have to give it your all.

But she cheers you on , and says your name.

And you run a little harder.

Although you don’t feel like you have anything left in you.

She believed in me when I wasn't sure if I had it in me

And afterwards ,

after you catch your breath and realize you aren’t going to die.

You feel better than ever.

I stop thinking about myself and my grief while I am there.

But yesterday I thought about

how this base , push , all out cycle

Is similar to our everyday lives.

In order to make our heart stronger we have to push ourselves.

We have to give an all out when we have nothing left.

When we feel like we are inside are being burned .

Especially my heart when wanting Mike back so bad.

It burns.

We have to lean in to others.

We have to let others push us when we have nothing left to give

But we also have to know our push limit ,

to maintain our base.

You can’t possibly live your life in an a push or all out.

That’s where we end up in the pit of grief.

With no one to help us out.

It’s hard to do alone.

Impossible really.

We have to show up for each other now more than ever.

We have to say yes and have a little faith,

when no sounds easier.

Relief comes after we have been pushed by others.

and we give it that all out

and get back to base a little stronger.

It plays in all parts of our lives.

Devastation and loss is an understatement in Lousiana.

And with Mikes old stomping grounds on the news

and talking to our family