As school is back in swing and 2019 is off to a strong start , I have been thinking along with most likely the rest of the earth about New Year resolutions. I am typically a New Years resolution failure so I am not going to set the bar too high.
But the word that seems to ring in true and where I feel I could use the most work in is LISTENING.
I love to hear others stories and read words of the wise. I love to listen ( lets be honest, half listen) to my children needs, stories, and wants to what I feel is sufficient. I especially love to listen when I feel it is something that will benefit me or my ego.
But to REALLY listen is different. And I know that. I have talked a few mediation courses and like to think I am a live in the present, mediation guru , who knows it all when it comes to listening.
But I REALLY in actuality fail at this skill daily. I am always rushing to the next moment to get to the finish. I am guilty as charged as I tell my kids 2 minutes , which turns into 20 because I need to finish the task at hand.
Am I really living in the present?? I have moments , in fact when I feel I lived the most in the present was in 2016, when Mike was in the hospital for EVERY fliplin holiday and for countless nights throughout the year.
Yet those days and moment I have the most memories of.
I am became aware of this when I was reflecting after listening to Eckhart Tolle and Oprahs new podcast. " A new earth- awakening to your life's purpose.
I usually like to be lost in my own "wise thoughts and wisdom" because I m so wise at 34 .ha.
while I am running or walking. However I am dedicating this year to listening while exercising.
I have a lot to learn, for real. and so I especially want to learn and practice being present so I can find my life's purpose.
Listening. Really listening.
In the podcast, they discuss how the only moment we really have is now ( not a new concept but a hard one to follow) but also the way to being in the now is by practicing to BE STILL.
Funny how God, the spirit, or whatever being you believe in send me messages when I am still.
This continues to be words I find through out my days when I am present in the moment and Still.
It is really hard to not be still , when I fell the need to fix all the things around me that I can not control.
One Major, being Mike's health. I will search for hours for a cure for his skin GVHD, because a I watch him in daily suffering. We have a new lotion on our for step from Amazon everyday, that I have looked up and found to be the next relief. We listen to others solutions ( helpful hint- cancer patients typically don't want solutions to cure their really rare cancer :) I mean that in the very nicest way ). But we listen and take them to heart because the pain is so bad we will try anything. Yet this has gotten us no where and left us ultimately frustrated.
I realize in stillness that there are people studying this , with brilliant brains that I am not even a blip on the radar close to who haven't figured out these answers or how to help.
When I am still I realize that loving Mike is where I am needed , to be present with him in his suffering and to love him through it.
If I am still, I find Gods grace. God's grace in sacred present moments. Tolle describes sacred moments as moments that can not be described and only felt.
This is what I have felt along this journey. Sacred moments, where God's spirit is among us and guiding us.
But only when I AM STILL. When I am listening. and not projecting my views, my thought, my reasons, my solutions on others.
In 2016 , in the hospital I experienced sacred moment after scarred moment after sacred moment. WE WERE STILL.
With nothing to do but listen to what doctors told us. I found God's presence there, I feel the spirit on the move there ( Mike may write a different story about hospital stays). And that is why my heart and soul continues to find itself back on the BMT floor at emory sitting with patients. You are on Gods timing there.
The stillness and sacred moments I spent with Mike that year , have been some of my most favorite memories with him. We were actually present with each other because all the distractions were strict of us. This is Grace.
You have to feel it, you can not explain it. But as Tolle says, it is in all of us to discover.
So this year, I hope to Be Still and Listen. Listen to God, to nature, to you, to friends, to family , to Mike , to my children, to podcast.
I hope to be closer to awakening to my purpose, however I know that is a life long journey.
But I hope to experience many sacred moments though out my days.With a new puppy, and old dog, and three children I have enough little zen masters keep me in the present . Dogs and children do this the best.
Wishing you all the same in this year .
Here is a link to the podcast,
Also I have loved listening to Kate Bowlers series of podcast too, incase you are looking for something to listen to also.
and my inspiration for the year of listening originated from this article I received the second on the month.