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August 12, 2019

Be still and know that I am God. 

Psalm 46:10

 

 

Dear friends,

 

I wanted to send a  quick update on Mike. 

 

 Mike had a repeat CT scan of his lungs this past week because he had been feeling a little better. 

 

  We found out Friday afternoon, after seeing the scan his doctors feel we can postpone his surgery. 

 

The size of the cavitary lesion has gone down some and because he is feeling better,  Dr. Kota  wants to give him 20 more days or so ,on this medication to see if it continues to get any smaller. 

  When Mike was in the hospital , they switched him to a different  anti-fungal  antibiotic that he has been on for the last three weeks, along with the daily infusion of micafungin.  It’s seems his infection is more sensitive to this combo of drugs and the infection has responded to a them. 

    He will have another scan in a couple of weeks to see if it is continuing to get better. We will meet with the thoracic surgeon team again in the meantime as well. 

 

    Surgery is not off the table yet - no pun intended. 

 

  But we are very hopeful by this news , and ever reminded of who is taking care of us on the journey. We fight like Mike , but surrender to God  in our weakness, fear, joy and hope. 

   We had been prepared that this might not get better with medicine alone and surgery was our only option. And that still might be the case.  

 

But even small improvements seem like miracles to us and we will be grateful for each day that is given. 

 

Even if it turns out surgery is the only option , Mike has been able to eat more, walk more , and gotten stronger over the last week, which is a miracle in itself. So we take it one day at a time.

 

    You have been praying for us,

calling , texting, emailing, bringing food, toys, cards, flowers, funny books, balloons, Swiss cake rolls, bread , visiting , prayer text chains , rosaries, prayer vigils,  and on and on.  I do believe God  hears them and sees each one.  

 

You also have been buying t-shirts. This amount of love poured on us , no doubt , I believe has lifted Mikes spirits and of course mine. And we could never repay you for this. We can only hope you feel the love back from us. 

 

Celia and I were packing  up some T-shirts one night last week. She said to me, “ I’m so excited thinking about how excited they are going to be when they open the package ! I wish I could see their face “.

 

And she summed it up , just like that , my very thoughts. 

 

Sometimes , most of the time, we don’t know what to say to people going through shitty things. I still struggle with this. 

 

You have shared your love with us in our darkest days and each thing has brought a smile and joy in our hearts , even if for a fleeting moment. It’s knowing we are loved that keeps us going. 

 

   Sometimes I don’t know what to say or how someone will respond when I knock on a patients door at the hospital to share our love with them. The t-shirts mean more than just a t-shirt , they are means to opening up conversation in really dark and scary times. They are a tangible reminder and way for us to remind people they are not alone during there most vulnerable days. That the world is pulling for them.

 

This is what you do for us. You keep pulling for us, with all things you bring to show us we our loved, but mostly just showing up . Making us believe in this world. We are pulling for you too. 

 

Thank you, truly,  for supporting our mission. 

 

 

I won’t lie to you and tell you this news of the surgery being postponed didn’t come without tears, for me😜 Happy and fearful ones. 

 

I often worry if the next decision made is the best decision . We had wrapped our minds around surgery and were ready to go in fighting on Tuesday. Don’t get me wrong I am overjoyed that we get more time with Mike breathing a little easier with two lungs 😜.... we discussed if the joke was too soon or not :)  but it also the truth.  More time. That’s all anyone really wants. 

 

   However cancer continues to teach me that we are not in control. That I am not in control. That yes I can make Celia and Jakes lunch each morning to prepare them for school, but Celia will continue to tell me last minute she’s decided she’s going to buy her lunch before we walk out the door. 

 

  Throughout the past three years , Mike and I have had to make big decisions. Dr Kota, Dr Arellano and all the doctors caring for him have had to make big decisions for us. Many that could change last minute. These are life or death decisions and they do that for people on a daily basis. 

And some days , it feel like the weight of the world is trying to crush us with these decisions. To rip us all apart. 

 

    Yet over the last three years , Mike and I have trusted that God is carrying us through this because of the fact that the decisions are too big for us alone. That Gods love is too big for us to think that we can have the capability of handling this ourselves. We have no choice but to lean on him.

 

   I am learning to , and struggling  with allowing God to guide our days . 

To trust our faith instead of sight. 

To trust his plan instead of mine. 

It may be the tougher decision , to wait , to be patient , instead of just cut out the problem and be done. 

 

Gods timing is slow , this goes against all things in the instant world we live in today. 

 

 But I believe in the slowness. 

It’s excruciatingly painful at times. But deep down I know it to be the ONLY truth. 

 

I thank cancer for that. 

Sometimes rushing to the finish , can crate many more problems than before. 

 

   Mike taught me this - today we make the best decision we can with the information at hand in the moment at hand. 

And so today we wait. 

 

And we thank God for the people and doctors , especially Dr Kota , he has put in our lives to be angels leading us through and helping us make decisions and work tirelessly to come up with the best plan for Mike. 

 

The serenity prayer has been my prayer I’ve been saying lately. 

 

But We actually have been singing it in Zac Browns words in his song let it go. 

 

“ And know you're not the only ship out on the ocean

Save your strength for things that you can change

Forgive the ones you can't

You gotta let it go

Learn to let it go”

 

“Like a sweet sunset in Georgia let it go, and  like the fear that grabs a hold ya let it go”

 

And the sophisticated version ...

 

God, give me grace to accept with serenity

the things that cannot be changed,

Courage to change the things

which should be changed,

and the Wisdom to distinguish

the one from the other.

 

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking, as Jesus did,

This sinful world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that You will make all things right,

If I surrender to Your will,

So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,

And supremely happy with You forever in the next.

 

Amen.

 

The lyrics to Zac Browns song hit me while Mike was in the hospital a couple weeks ago. I could see the sunrise and sunset from his room. I watched the ga sun fall behind the old Emory tower where we spent many nights in 2016. Where fear grabbed a hold of us everyday and night. 

I can’t make the beauty of sunset last forever. 

I can’t make the good days last forever or the bad days. 

Things are always changing. 

By accepting change, I can find peace in Gods plan for us, 

I can feel the grip of fear loosen  in the dark nights.

 

We will keep you all posted in days ahead. 

 

And we surrender to the journey , to the doctors , and to God. Again. And again. And again. 

 

Keep swimming ,

Lindsey 

 

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