FLM fRIDAY

Hi Fight Like Mike followers:) It has been a while since I posted anything. I have been writing but life has been busy. We are doing well :) And I am grateful I dream of writing and posting more consistently. But I have not made it a priority. I feel like I should post something edited and perfect, so I stall because it never gets to that point. But I am trying to let go of that. Life is not edited and perfect and so for now at this stage in my life, things are messy.

But here's to what came when I sat down today for the time I had. It is just honest messy grief. And if there is one truth I have learned, is that grief messy. For any of you living in the midst of grief. You are not alone.

It can be both so sad and full of joy. And Both are true. I am with you.

Hey you,

I just got to the office.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do this morning.

But I kept being pulled to come here

and sit still and write.

At the office.

And there you were.

as I sat down.

The cardinal you

Landed on the windowsill.

That has not happened yet.

I feel you today.

Your dad just sent a picture of you

On the feeder

At the camp.

It must be amazing to

Be free

To be Weightless

From pain and suffering.

To fly free.

To be close to me

To your dad,

To all of us.

at the same time.

To be free.

Man, I have missed you.

I miss you at Talladega.

I miss you on Sundays.

Especially on a Sunday drive.

I was slightly hungover.

With a margarita headache.

And being hungover

Was more fun with you.

Now I just feel guilty

and sad.

I talked to Ginny about that this week.

She reminded me that in that state of mind

All things seem hard and wrong.

But all things are not all bad or hard.

And she is right.

I have so many things to be grateful for.

But man do I miss you

on a Sunday morning drive,

We shared some really good ones.

Together- me and you-

we had become,

easy like Sunday morning.

We had found that

Ease.

You were that,

Sunday morning ease.

Being me was easy, with you.

I miss that ease,

like a recovering addict must miss drugs.

I am stronger.

I feel more at peace.

I do.

3 years have brought more peace

in my heart.

I won’t deny that,

Because that is true.

But it is also true.

Simultaneously.

That I am sad

And miss you.

And both are ok.

I want to snuggle into your chest at night.

I want to fall asleep with your arm around me.

And feel the comfort and peace

I miss that.

Will I ever stop missing that?

Human connections.

Cancer gifted our connection,

a grounded surge of power.

I also told Ginny that Sunday night

that broken connection

Shocked me again.

And the longing

for you came back

With a vengeance.

We always had only 1 or 2,

if any, throw pillows on our bed.

I still have the same two pillows.

One of them, I won’t get rid of.

Strangely after you died,

I noticed the 1929 on one of them.

It was a random pillow I bought at home goods.

No real attachment until now,

Where the 29 makes me wonder about fate.

But the pillow took me back to our nights together.

Where you would get in bed before me.

You would nicely and precisely, with thoughtfulness

take the pillows off the bed.

You would then slide them in between

the bed and the nightstand.

It was just enough space to hold them.

How did you even think to put them there?

You perfectly tucked the throw pillows.

Sunday, I was taken transported back

to this habit of yours.

One I probably took for granted

Or rolled my eyes at.

As I would throw them on the floor with no thought,

On the nights I went to bed first.

But now, I find myself tucking them in,

to the secret spot you found for them.

If I had to guess, you placed them there because

It was a spot you where would not trip over them.

Suddenly, the shock,

from a severed connection

of love.

Made me want you back,

Here.

Now.

Purposefully taking the pillows off the bed for us.

What a gift it is to know,

To love,

someone.

So well,

With such ease.

That when they are gone.

You can still imagine the ways

they went about their days.

I can still feel you and

all the things that made you,

You.

Every day.

And night.

Our love was a gift.

You were a gift

That I carry in my heart

Every where I go

Every day.

And I miss you.

But I am stronger.

And I want you to know that.

I will always miss you tucking in the pillows.

I will away miss burying my head into your chest.

I will always miss Sunday morning drives.

I will always miss being hungover with you.

I will always miss the ease.

Of us.

Of our connection.

But I feel that surged electrical line is repaired.

When I am still

Sitting in this chair

At grandpas desk.

And you land on the windowsill.

Our connection is not the one I dreamed of

for our lifetime of Sunday morning drives together.

But it is alive and

there is still power,

A forceful spirit,

running through,

Connecting us through

this thin veil between heaven and earth.

And I am learning to surrender

To God’s connection for us.

I love you 29, snookie.

Me