“ If we all grief to do it work, the love that lives within it becomes ever more clear and present to us. In time , the love has a way of overtaking the grief , so that our loving, rather than our grieving , becomes our primary bond to what we have lost. It is lots our cure. It is this novethat is our cure. “ Jan Richardson
An angel on earth gave me this quote printed a couple years ago. I have it on my desk in our room and read it every time I sit down. I’m sure I have shared it before but it reminds me everyday why we must grieve in order to love. Lately I have been grieving the loss of the life I had dreamed for Mike, myself, and our kids. Cancer stole that from me, from us. And three and a half years in on this journey, I am still grieving that loss. I wanted our story to be different. One without the suffering of cancer.
The past couple weeks cancer has reminded us again of our reality and stolen the invincibility we had grown to feel again. Dr Kota reminded me that Hope too, had been building over the last 18 months without a new spot showing up. And by one little spot showing up on the kidney , it left us with effects of a crashing wave of a tsunami. Crushing our hopes, sending them into a tailspin once again.
The biopsy, proved to be Leukemia as we had been prepared it most likely would. The procedure itself took a toll on Mike, more than I thought. I shut down the idea of pain pills the Doctor offered when he came to speak to me after the procedure. “ He’s tough , he never needs those”. Whoops, Thankfully Dr. Kota called something in since it was after hours by the time we left the hospital. We will never be able to repay him for all he does for us.
But the moments of the day, as painful as they can feel, were filled with Love. By his doctors, friends, and strangers and calls, texts and love from family and friends.
After the procedure , when I finally saw him, it was 6:30 at night. Our dreams of seeing the sunset were fading and the day had taken it’s toll. Watching him suffering always seems to set me off the most and we were then told we would have to stay until 9:30, frustration level was rising like the tides.
But a small miracle happened through a kind person . The young Fellow who who had assisted in his procedure came back by our room to check his bandage. One of the incisions from the bone, they realized was oozing more than they wanted to see and blood had filled the bandage . He told us not to worry that he would still do everything he could to get us discharged and not have to be admitted. And he did. He stayed for an hour and a half and applied pressure the spot with his two hands. We sat and talked with him about football and Puerto Rico and the time passed quickly. We learned he had only been married for 1 month. The spot on his back was low enough Mike apologized for having to look at his butt for so long, but also said I am glad I can contribute to your honey “ full moon”.
In dark scary places, God’s grace shows up through the love and kindness of a stranger. And from humor. We were grateful for this guy. He acted as though he had no where to be but caring for Mike. He didn’t have to do that. He made sure we got to the hotel that night.
Love holds the cure. It is most definitely our cure.
If we just allow grief to do it’s work.
We know this love because of his doctors, nurses, family, friends, and on and on. We know it because we continue to grieve in this life.
I am grateful for all of you people.
When I laid my head down that night on the pillow , I felt something hard in my pillow case.
It was this cross bracelet, I guess lost by one of the cleaning staff.
Yep, a little creepy. But somehow comforting in knowing that God has the final word. And we can rest and surrender in knowing that. We surrender to whatever the next steps are on this journey. We do not know yet, but do know that whatever it is God is guiding Dr. Kota’s decision.
Allow grief to do its work this week in your life. The love felt is worth it.
We have sold almost 100 tickets for the Field Day next weekend.
This too has given me more hope over the week than you could imagine.
I have been able to give out at least 50 t-shirts over the past couple months to patients because of the shirts you all have ordered .
This too is the work of your love and our grief. And we give all the credit to God above.
We are also gearing up for the Winship 5k that morning .
I plan to send out another email tonight with details for Saturday.
But a MILION thank you’s for your donations and tickets purchased . It means more than you will ever know.
Sahrelovethatsall.com - where you can purchase tickets. But a reminder that if the cost is stopping you. Please show up. Love is what is important.