The last two weeks have been unbearably dark and painful and yet we have still experienced joy and light because of and from each of you .
I am grateful down to the smallest cell in my body for all the light you have shined brightly on our family. Please know that, we would NOT be surviving if not for our parents, siblings, family, friends, doctors, nurses, and all the people that love us so deeply. I do not take that lightly and I mean that from the very bottom of my heart.and know it also pains me to not be able thank each of you at this time !
I have started many email to send you all as the week progressed.
But I mostly have been at a loss of words to describe the pain , hope, love , darkness and light I feel.
This has not been easy and we have a long hard road ahead of us, but it is not with out great love and hope we will keep fighting.
This morning I read a devotion sent to me from Richard Rhor.
“I believe that Jesus and the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are saying the same thing but with different vocabulary:
We suffer to get well.
We surrender to win.
We die to live.
We give it away to keep it.”
The past two weeks has left us suffering and surrendering in a way I didn’t know existed .
As I signed papers allowing Mike to be kept alive by relying on a breathing machine to do the work for him, I only could only surrender to God , to some higher power and the arms of others , while he surrendered to the machine by bravely asking for the help. Darkness and light.
I surrender to all those who love us deeply. Who have taken care of our children , dogs, home and family. Who have come to the hospital to sit and wait. Who have prayed and sent text and called. And dropped off food and every snack imaginable. Our kids are in heaven 😜
I surrender to doctors who have made decisions based on the best of their knowledge to keep Mike alive.
I surrender to the nurses,techs , and respiratory therapist who have cared for Mike as you do a new born baby , and wiped his butt 👶with with a smile on their face and a “ I got you buddy “.
In the darkest place I have ever witnessed , “the Unit “ as it is called by the professionals,
I have seen Gods light through these incredible angels who work and care for these extremely sick people, they are doing hard hard works of service all day. They have held the light for me where darkness and silence was deafening , as Mike was sleeping peacefully and I was awakened to the “musical vents“ ( our sweet nurse called them) that never stopped beeping from our room to the next . Some how these musical instruments didn’t bring quite the peace that music usually does for me. But what appreciation I have for modern medicine and all the people who have studied to make it as life saving as it is today.
I am so very human and I have tried to stay in control. You could ask Dr Kota or all his other doctors ,PAs and nurses .They have been on the recipient end of my pleading texts. I have asked questions at all hours trying to make sure some crazy symptom isn’t going to steal him from me in the dark night. These people have no idea what they mean to me as they showed nothing but patience.
But I wake to realize , we are all helpless , only doing the best we can to survive another day. At some point things are not in our hands. I have learned this in a powerful way over the past two weeks. It has been life changing.
I have surrender to Gods plan for our children. Begged him for
more time for mike with the kids. Begged him for the right words to explain such heartache to a frightened 9, 6, and 4 year old. Especially sweet Jake who understands fully what is going on. The only answer was to surrender , let them in the dark, let them share the pain, give them honesty and love. I told them they know how to be brave because they have watched their brave daddy everyday.
Light came in return as Celia joyfully decorated our home with so many Christmas decorations I knew wouldCause anxiety for mikes clutter phobia😜
As I surrender and keep trying to every moment of everyday, I ask for signs that God is with us.
There have been many moments of light that I have written down. Moments I know without a doubt God is with us.
But right now I just want to share this one.
I pray to angels all the time. I had been praying to our adopted brother Will who we lost in May to gun violence. You may have read an earlier post about him.
On Saturday morning a week ago , Mikes Dr’s had come in and decided he was ready for a trial to come off the ventilator.
They give you 2 hrs breathing on your own , while still connected to the machine and the tube still in.
So when the two hours were up , in walks a respiratory therapist who was full of life and contagious energy , full of enough light to brighten any room. A moment I will
He said I am Will and I am going to be the guy to extubate Mike. And he asked about our army. He said with confidence, well I’m gonna need the helicopter because I’m here to save the day. I’m gonna make sure this tube comes out with ease and he will be breathing on his own again. I promised him the helicopter or 100 if he wanted.
As he walked over and started talking to Mike , he told him he was from UAB.
My heart stopped and chills ran through my body.
Our Will had played football at UAB for four years and graduated from there.
Will , from UAB , would be saving the day.
This may have been a simple coincidence.
But not when you believe.
Not when you have surrendered everything you know to GOd.
I felt I was truly being held by God in that moment.
Will did what he promised for us that day , and I know with out a doubt that our Will was Mike’s guardian angel in that moment, allowing us the gift of
More time with .
We made it home Sunday in time for Graham 4th birthday by the grace of God and the incredible staff at Emory, and nurses and doctors who have become family to us. They are truly angels and each has played a significant part in these past weeks and years.
This is a miracle.
A miracle I will never take for granted.
A true gift from above.
I keep Surrendering to God and to the powers pulling against us.
I am helpless in the situation.
I am so helpless.
All I can do is love.
Love mike with all I have.
All I can do is love people they way you ALL have loved us.
It is our greatest gift every single day.
Please don’t take your days breathing on this earth for granted.
My heart is still with friends who have been on a ventilator for months , friends whose outcome wasn’t the same as ours. Life does not seem fair. It is a damn mystery. I just pray God will keep showing me he is with us in this mysterious life and keep my faith alive.
Mike has a tough road to recovery but he is giving it his all. It is not easy but we keep looking for the small glimpses of light each day. His leg infection is better but his breathing and lungs are still compromised . His body is really weak from not moving for two and a half weeks. Please pray for his strength, especially as he is weaned off of steroids.
One day at a time. We keep fighting like him ....trusting God will do the rest.
Words from Richard Rhor -
To be powerless means to be absolutely helpless. . . . This, oddly enough, is the best disposition for the beginning of a spiritual journey. Why is that? Because the deeper one’s awareness of one’s powerlessness and the more desperate, the more willing one is to reach out for help. This help is offered in the next two steps. You turn yourself over to a Higher Power who you believe can heal you and work with you in the long journey of dismantling the emotional programs for happiness. . . .
The real spiritual journey depends on our acknowledging the unmanageability of our lives. The love of God or the Higher Power is what heals us. Nobody becomes a full human being without love. It brings to life people who are most damaged. The steps are really an engagement in an ever-deepening relationship with God.