Fight like mike Friday
I wish grief worked as that you hit the year mark and you feel better.
You can check off all the occasions you made it through without them.
You have checked off all the boxes and mastered grief.
And love suddenly is all that is felt. And the sadness lessens.
Unfortunately it doesn’t work exactly that way. Yet I do feel stronger and that I might can do this and for that I am grateful .
It tends to be that I feel the most impact from the significant day a couple days after.
It’s like you live in anticipation of the wave for the weeks before.
Talking yourself up with pep talks.
Then the day comes.
You ride the high of the day , you are at the top and you feel empowered ....
and then you crash.
You realize you are still helpless.
You still miss them.
And you are still not in control.
You surrender on the shore once again.
I wonder if some of you who have been through loss have experienced the same?
One thing I can say , a year later , that I am learning this pattern in me.
And setting up a therapy session , accupuncture, or time to allow myself to feel it through , seems to be the most helpful.
So maybe we can get better at grieving after all.
I know that if I don’t allow the crash , then the next crash will be bigger.
The unexpected ones are where I get thrown for a loop.
But as time passes .
The periods I’m down seem to be not as lengthy.
I have learned , they don’t last forever.
And am really starting to believe that.
Believe in mikes favorite quote , that it’s in the getting back up..
Not in how many times you are knocked down.
One morning this week I felt the weight of missing him so desperately again .
I had woken after a dream that felt like a nightmare.
Mike and I were together.
Somewhere new , almost like we were in a hotel room. We knew he was still sick.
I was begging him not to die and I told him I couldn’t do it without him.
And When I wake after these dreams ,I can’t ever remember what he says back.
It’s almost like he is silent and always just giving me his reassuring look.
In the dream People kept piling in the room. So so many people.
And I kept trying to text him because I couldn’t talk to him.
But my text would never go through.
And I woke up in tears. Wishing so bad he was still here.
The day was rainy.
And I decided to go for a run anyways.
And I talked to him the entire way.
I told him about the book Signs. A sweet friend brought it to me this week and I had started reading it the night before.
In short it’s about a medium and many stories of signs people have received from loved ones.
The first story was about signs coming from someone who had crossed over. The sign she received was through oranges.
In a bold and needy approach that morning I asked Mike to show me a peach .
Not thinking at the time, that we live in the peach state and they are pretty common siting here 😂
But as the day went on and I had forgotten about my plead from Mike , I checked my email in the afternoon .
The first one was an email about peachtree road race that i had signed up for in July.
I Could vote For the new t-shirt design. It wasn’t until I showed Jake the designs and asked which one he liked that I remembered my bargain with Mike.
The peaches were everywhere on the page.
It made me stop and wonder. But I wasn’t completely convinced.
When the kids and I were on the way to their counseling session later that afternoon ,I noticed all the license plates had peaches too.
And so I thought , definitely picking a peach in the peach state would not convince me.
So I asked him for a pineapple.
I knew he was getting frustrated with me at this point.
But 5 min later I looked over and realized our umbrella hidden in the seat next to me was covered with pineapples.
Hmmm I thought and just laughed .
Still a little Leary ,I moved on to a kiwi.
( I’m still Waiting on the kiwi. I’m sure he is annoyed with my game by now , knowing I am being a little demanding...but he was always patient with me and my craziness and I am assuming he still will be :)
The dreams leave me longing for him.
And I do.
I miss him more with each day.
Kind of like a long trip, my mom said , The longer you are away , the more you miss your people.
But the reunions after a long trip are the very best , so I have hope in our reunion one day.
I imagine it will be well worth the wait.
Until then the signs , they make me believe.
Here and now.
That he is with us. And it brings comfort in my sadness each day.
A song keeps coming on the radio while I’m running
-Some day we will be together- by the Supremes.
I feel it’s words are from him.
And that gives me hope that … some day we will be together.
But until then ... my work here is far from over. And I will keep getting back up for him ever day and share his love as much as possible.
( and begging him for signs along the way 😊😘)
Monday marked one year .
It feels like a time warp and I really can’t believe it has been that long. The days have felt painfully long , but the reality that an entire year has gone by makes no sense.
All year long , I would think about what we were doing this time last year. And many days wishing I could go back in time to those days with you.
I pray that this year I can live more fully in the presence of the day.
I survived the year because of the love our family , friends , and strangers shared with me. Much like they did while you were sick.
We were loved and cared for and it pulled us through.
As I said before, it was easier with you by my side.
It was easier to trust the journey , trust God , together as we fell asleep each night and handed over our worries to him.
It was easier with you physically here.
I have spent this year and am continuing to do so , figuring out how to do this without you. Figuring out who I am , on my own.
How to find and trust God on my own and in my loneliness.
I am figuring out how to love myself the way we loved each other. The way others loved us so well.
It is not easy.
It was also more fun doing life with you beside me.
And I miss your humor and the way you were at ease with all of life more than anything.
Graham is your humor as he slaps my butt while I’m washing the dishes , I feel it’s you telling him to do that like you always did.
We miss hearing you say , As Wes reminded me - “My man “ and made everyone feel
Like they were the most important. We miss you grilling for us as Brian said ... you filled our life with joy and yummy food.
I promised I wouldn’t do a circle of prayer with everyone singing Koombaya because you would be rolling your eyes from heaven at me. ( because that’s something I love to do , not so much you 😊)
Instead we made a basket of things you loved. ( Celia was in charge , she know everything you love and she loves them all too )
And we had steaks ( because everyone knew how much you loved to cook meat ) for dinner and I drank a beer for you.
The kid’s also celebrated Bookers birthday. Somehow I believe maybe you planned that . You were selfless and would want the kid’s to celebrate something else really good on the day you died.
I had a small breakdown after I dropped the kids at school. When I woke that morning , I wished that they were stilll virtual. That I could be distracted by their annoying demands and have less time alone in thought. But I took them to school because you would have wanted me to.
And after they got out of the car , I took a right instead of a left because the traffic was bad and decided to go around the block.
As I turned into the neighborhood, the full moon shined so bright. It was a sign. I know it was you.
I could hear you saying , you did the right thing and I am still with you . It was as if you were telling me to keep choosing the harder things. Keep moving forward. Keep swimming. Keep those kids in school 😜
You were so good at that , not living in the past with regrets. You were good at taking the next blind step with faith into the future.
Rob talked yesterday about the way you listened and said “sure” all the time in any conversation.
Not sure like , yeah right . But sure like you had heard them , really listened and believed exactly what was said.
(I’m not sure you always listened to me that way , haha. I think you saved the sarcastic sures for me -kidding 😉)
But as Rob talked about this quality of yours I felt the deep missing you while the gratitude for this gift of yours.
Jake has this gift. Talk about listening skills. ( his elephant ears don’t miss a thing I’m trying to say without him hearing 🤪)
He takes in everything and is just like you in that way. Is interested to learn all he can about everything in life. He asks questions and pays attention. He soaks every last word in like a sponge.
I will be really honest for a second , this makes my heart hurt and miss you so very much. It makes me wish you were here to witness it. It makes me wonder why you are not here and I am. It makes me feel guilty that I am here. That he needs you here to guide him , he needs to see you and see where this quality comes from. And you need to be here to enjoy him too.
Maybe he learned it from watching you in the 9 years he had with you. In fact I’m sure he did. He hasn’t forgotten anything you taught him.
But also I know your spirit and love lives on.
And lives within him.
And maybe that is Gods gift to us , to me .
That we will always remember that gift of presence and listening that you had ,through him.
It’s so hard because I miss you so very much.
But I don’t want the grief to overtake the love.
I want the love to be what is known.
So I am learning to love myself.
To let go of the guilt.
The survivors guilt.
Let go of regret.
And trust Gods plan.
To not ask questions.
And just trust.
Trust that sweet Jake ( Celia and graham ) are incredible gifts of love from you
And be grateful for you gifts that live on through your children.
I miss you every minute of every day. But I am going to go through this next year trying to live without regrets.
Trying to choose to take risks more.
Say yes more to life.
You did that so well.
Thank you for teaching us this lesson
To live with blind faith.
And to always get back up
Keep guiding us ,Mike.
I love you 29.