Fight like mike Friday- the moon
Dear Fightlikemike army.
“When we reach the end Of what we know , that’s where we find God . That’s why St Dionysius said the best most divine knowledge of God is that which is known by not knowing. “
I have reached another end
of what I know.
And God is here.
In all it’s messiness of grief.
Beneath the layers
Layers of regret.
Layers of guilt.
At the bottom.
At the very center of my soul.
I am working to get here
Where I know nothing anymore.
Where I am empty.
This is where I know God is reaL
Where Grace can enter.
How I know is because
I have felt the peace.
Like the eye of the hurricane.
Better yet ,
when the winds die down completely.
When the seas lay down ,
as the fishermen in my life say.
The sea is calm.
How is it possible.
In this mess
These extremely messy
Days of grief.
Days of sadness ,
for the entire world.
we are ALL suffering from something.
Days of sadness that take my breath.
For the kid’s.
How is it possible to feel peace.
Only because of God.
Only Because there is a force of life.
A force bigger than me.
You may not call it God.
And that’s ok too.
Or believe in God.
Maybe peace looks different to you.
This gives me hope.
And enough light for the next step.
Enough to believe.
Believe in the good.
Good in this world.
Enough that I will see Mike again.
I think of you all each and every day.
And I pray for all of your suffering too.
There are reminders of you in every corner of our house.
The Fight like Mike banner you made for us still hangs proud in our living room with each soldier standing tall on the window seals surrounding it.
You protect us and
watch over us each
And I find strength and hope in the reminder of you.
Each of you.
There are now cardinals , renamed daddy birds - in every form.
Stuffed animals , ornaments , blankets , pajamas , paintings , snow globes , lights .
There are crescent moons lights, tennis shoes and t-shirts.
Cardinal campers .
Hand written letters , emails and cards.
There are paintings hand made by you and by famous artist.
There are figurines of angels. Books of angels.
Devotions on 100 ways to be Brave.
And candles that remind us of the light you hold in our darkness.
There are cardinal trees.
And coffee mugs. There are daddy bears and crescent moon Care Bears.
My list could go on .
They are each new reminders.
Reminders of the new love we are learning to feel from Mike.
In our home , There are also many memories.
So many memories.
Thousands of memories of crying with you on our couch.
And laughing too.
Watching countless movies .
Just being with us.
In our grief.
Memories of love that reminds me we are held by an incredible army of angels each and every day.
We are held.
And I am grateful.
When God does feel silent.
“I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
But I believe in God
even when he is silent”
I keep believing because of you.
The angel in each of you.
You have held us.
I want to send you an email every day.
To thank you.
To let you know a day does not go by where I do not smile in gratitude because of the reminders from a kind thing you did for us.
And a thank you every day would still never be enough .
I have written to Mike and to you, almost every other day these past ten months.
I want to share them all,
yet grief ...
it is a fog that sets in and I can not think clearly.
My thoughts are as clear as mud.
Grief. ( wish there was another name for it , ten months in ,I’m over the word )
It is a powerful force of energy.
And the kid’s and I are doing the best we can each day to feel all the waves of energy ,
forces of energy .
From start to finish.
Until they settle on the shore.
And peace comes back.
The peace that comes.
And it does come.
When we are empty.