Fight like mike Friday- the moon
Dear Fightlikemike army.
“When we reach the end Of what we know , that’s where we find God . That’s why St Dionysius said the best most divine knowledge of God is that which is known by not knowing. “
I have reached another end
of what I know.
And God is here.
In all it’s messiness of grief.
Beneath the layers
Layers of regret.
Layers of guilt.
At the bottom.
At the very center of my soul.
I am working to get here
Where I know nothing anymore.
Where I am empty.
This is where I know God is reaL
Where Grace can enter.
How I know is because
I have felt the peace.
Like the eye of the hurricane.
Better yet ,
when the winds die down completely.
When the seas lay down ,
as the fishermen in my life say.
The sea is calm.
How is it possible.
In this mess
These extremely messy
Days of grief.
Days of sadness ,
for the entire world.
we are ALL suffering from something.
Days of sadness that take my breath.
For the kid’s.
How is it possible to feel peace.
Only because of God.
Only Because there is a force of life.
A force bigger than me.
You may not call it God.
And that’s ok too.
Or believe in God.
Maybe peace looks different to you.
This gives me hope.
And enough light for the next step.
Enough to believe.
Believe in the good.
Good in this world.
Enough that I will see Mike again.
I think of you all each and every day.
And I pray for all of your suffering too.
There are reminders of you in every corner of our house.
The Fight like Mike banner you made for us still hangs proud in our living room with each soldier standing tall on the window seals surrounding it.
You protect us and
watch over us each
And I find strength and hope in the reminder of you.
Each of you.
There are now cardinals , renamed daddy birds - in every form.
Stuffed animals , ornaments , blankets , pajamas , paintings , snow globes , lights .
There are crescent moons lights, tennis shoes and t-shirts.
Cardinal campers .
Hand written letters , emails and cards.
There are paintings hand made by you and by famous artist.
There are figurines of angels. Books of angels.
Devotions on 100 ways to be Brave.
And candles that remind us of the light you hold in our darkness.
There are cardinal trees.
And coffee mugs. There are daddy bears and crescent moon Care Bears.
My list could go on .
They are each new reminders.
Reminders of the new love we are learning to feel from Mike.
In our home , There are also many memories.
So many memories.
Thousands of memories of crying with you on our couch.
And laughing too.
Watching countless movies .
Just being with us.
In our grief.
Memories of love that reminds me we are held by an incredible army of angels each and every day.
We are held.
And I am grateful.
When God does feel silent.
“I believe in the sun
even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
even when there’s no one there
But I believe in God
even when he is silent”
I keep believing because of you.
The angel in each of you.
You have held us.
I want to send you an email every day.
To thank you.
To let you know a day does not go by where I do not smile in gratitude because of the reminders from a kind thing you did for us.
And a thank you every day would still never be enough .
I have written to Mike and to you, almost every other day these past ten months.
I want to share them all,
yet grief ...
it is a fog that sets in and I can not think clearly.
My thoughts are as clear as mud.
Grief. ( wish there was another name for it , ten months in ,I’m over the word )
It is a powerful force of energy.
And the kid’s and I are doing the best we can each day to feel all the waves of energy ,
forces of energy .
From start to finish.
Until they settle on the shore.
And peace comes back.
The peace that comes.
And it does come.
When we are empty.
Have cried every last drop.
When we are dry too.
Is able to flood through us.
Grief is sneaky.
It comes popping out at you like Graham or Jake with a nerf gun.
When you least expect a dart to your neck while cooking dinner.
Or Celia , with one of her pranks from her prank kit from Santa.
I am standing at the stove as the dart of a memory ,
the dart of grief hits my heart.
Suddenly it’s 3 yrs ago and I hear Mikes truck pull up the driveway
as I am sautéing peppers and onions for fajitas .
A weekly staple.
I can hear the garage door open.
I can feel his presence behind me.
He kisses me after a day at work .
All it took was the smell ,
just the simple smell sends me back in time.
He was back working after his transplant.
Life had started to feel semi back to normal.
The ease of him going to work and me with the kids was no longer the hard thing.
It was the good thing.
The good days where life was simple.
The smell takes me back in time.
So so many smells.
The sanitizer , the hospital one that he purchased on amazon ,
that sat fully stocked in our closet the last 4 years,.
It would have been a crime to hoard that much in 2020.
The sanitizer that became a scarce novelty this past year.
Had been a staple in our lives.
I can’t escape it in a single day now.
That smell is everything Mike.
The kids and I think it with each pump.
So many smells in a 1 hour span.
So many smells are Mike.
I can’t live here.
Back in time.
Because I am here.
My body is here.
Although my mind is taken light years away with each smell .
And if I don’t pay attention ,
if I don’t stay present.
At the very least ...
I will burn the fajitas.
I will get hit in the eye by a dart.
I will choke on the fake spider in my cup.
I will miss what Jake is trying to teach my about the latest football stats he has watched on ESPN.
I will miss the opportunity to teach Celia how to cook her daddy’s jambalaya.
I will miss it.
I will be lost in a memory.
Hundreds of miles away.
Searching for Mike.
Although my body.
My physical body is here.
My mind is often with Mike.
On the moon.
Our belief is that Mike is on the moon .
Is the moon.
Is Resting in Gods thumbnail of a moon.
Only grows stronger by the day.
Yes , Mike is on the moon.
It is our belief now.
The moon has brought me more peace than anything the last few months.
I have been in the darkness.
It shines in the darkness
“To trust God in the light is nothing, but to trust Him in the dark – that is faith.” – C.H. Spurgeon
Mike is there.
God is there.
Watching over us in the darkness.
And I am here.
I am trying to get to him.
But I can’t get to him.
My mind though,
It is on planet grief.
It feels like I’m on a foreign planet.
Orbiting the moon.
Trying to get there.
The kids are sometimes on it with me.
But they are still grounded on earth.
Kids are amazing at that.
I am supposed to be on Earth
With the kid’s , our family , our friends.
And I do have one foot on Earth.
And sometimes my whole self.
But my mind.
It is often on this planet of grief.
( so I apologize if I have stared into space while you are talking. Or haven’t called you back it ,appears I might really be in outer space )
It is an unfamiliar place for me.
Somewhere I have never been.