FLM FRIDAY- OCT 1
This morning there was a grasshopper on the window.
I was trying to get the kid’s fed and lunches made ,
all the while ,trying to keep the peace .
Actual truth, I wasn’t really making lunches,
kids have declared Fight like Mike Friday as Lunchable FLM day.
Thanks Mike, they have figured out how to get whatever they want 🥰😉.
However the lunchables make Friday morning easier,
so I will most likely fall for their act every time.
Graham was intrigued by the grasshopper ,
so we went outside to see it.
And as we did , it was still dark.
I look up and noticed the crescent moon.
It was shining bright against the black sky.
It followed us to school as we walked.
The sun slowly came up ,
and the sky showed out.
With the most beautiful FLM sky.
Like Mike had painted the orange and pink with his own paint brush.
(Which he never would have done , paint always got an eye roll 🙄 in our house from him. )
I have been sad.
Waves of grief have come strong.
And tears have flowed easily.
Easily as I get four , instead of five ,
plates out of the cabinet each night.
Plates that were gifted to us
when we were married.
Plates that don’t just serve dinner anymore
They serve a reminder of our marriage.
Some days they bring smiles
And some days they just serve an unpleasant reminder
of his absence.
And I choose paper plates instead.
I miss you , Mike, when we are adding up the numbers and we are a party of 4.
Tears fell easily as I found a picture of the five of us
at the very first Winship 5k,
while cleaning out the boys closet.
Graham wasn’t even walking yet.
Tears of course because I miss you terribly.
But also I feel they were tears of joy,
Because you were once mine,
and a feeling proudness- ( is that a word?).
We survived some hard hard s@#* .
We thrived through some tough years together.
And I’m grateful for that.
And I am proud of you.
And honored to have been your wife.
I think of your birthday
Coming on Sunday.
And yes , I’m a little angry ,
sad and jealous of” intact families” ,
Although I know that even there , in intact families
there are struggles and suffering .
and then comes the guilt of feeling jealous.
because deep down this isn't me.
And yet deep down ,
it is only missing you that stirs these emotions.
But I am sad that you are not here,
here for me to make you brownies
and buy bluebell homemade vanilla ice cream for year 38.
I’m sure you have planned a perfect party.
You have most likely changed
out of your Gwinnett work shirt and dress shoes,
And into your All birds .
You are probably wearing your saints sweatshirt
And auburn hat.
You are probably stirring a large pot of Jambalaya
With new and old friends, and family
Im sure you are making everyone laugh,
With a Sweet Water in your hand ,
Washed down with a Miller lite inbetween
to rehydrate you :)
Maybe if I am still enough
I can feel your presence here
Your spirit was so strong
Surely I can feel it here
I am sure you are listening to Zac brown.
Maybe if I play it from our back deck…
we can both hear it playing
At the same time .
When I am still enough
God always brings me to you
Through a grasshopper this morning.
Through sweet Graham, I thanked him for bringing me to you.
He is always in the present moment
I am sure you know that
He often wonders out loud what heaven is like
Gods Grace catches me.
In his 5 year old sweet innocence
In the beauty of the sky.
In the grass hopper
You are there.
You are here.
And I am grateful.
I’m grateful for your little people.
Who will gladly use you as any excuse
for more brownies and icecream.
I kid , but they have forgotten nothing about you.
I will make sure they never do.
And Fightlikemike Friday Mornings,
are quickly becoming my favorite time with them.
As we talk about what you might be doing,
Or how we can fight like you today.
Whether with a FLM t-shirt worn or written on their wrist.
Or just a lunchable.
I’m thankful for their ability to bring me back to the present moment.
In all the chaos of me chasing my coffee down
trying to get just one more sip in,
to be able to keep up with them.
Even then they have the ability
To slow me down.
They bring me to you.
So yes I feel sad,
And Ginny reminded me today,
That that is ok.
That allowing the sadness ….
Is where the healing takes place.
And as I feel the sadness …
Of not feeling your physical love here,
Oh what I would do for you to wrap your arms around me.
I do feel healing simultaneously.
I do feel your love and the joy you brought to my life
come back on the tenfold .
And that gives me hope
And enough light for the next step.
I love you, Snookie.
And miss you even more.
Dear Fight Like Mike Army,
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving our family. For showing up for us in so many ways. Thank you for honoring mike’s life with your donations and your love. I am forever grateful .
I hope you find gods grace in the grass hoppers, sunrises, and the fall air this weekend. I hope you are surprised by grace.
I hope you are caught off guard by the simple things and know that you are loved.
*Also-I have been inspired by Anne Wilsons song ,My Jesus, this week. The words are so powerful and this morning I decided to see if there was a story behind it , so I googled her.
Of course there was an incredible story and I am sharing the link below. It’s often when we are vulnerable and feel the pain, that beautiful things are created. Her song is a powerful example of that.