FLM FRIDAY- THANK YOU
Sometimes I feel a good way to measure a good time ,
is how few pictures are taken.
I have very few pictures from the afternoon of the Field Day.
Yet the memories made are imprinted on my heart and soul, forever
Thank you !
The morning after , I thanked my mom and dad for everything
and for allowing the field to be stomped on again and filled with joyful children.
I told them I felt like it had become a sacred space where memories are being made
It has housed birthday parties, basketball games and doggy play dates.
There use to be a house on the property
The first house Mike lived in when he moved here.
I thought about that as his friend that lived there with Mike,
Reminded me about it the afternoon of the field day.
As I thought more about it ,
It actually was the place where he proposed to me.
With Christmas ornaments
He had painted on with glitter glue
The words… will you marry me.
It is amazing how a space can hold so many joyful and sad moments
I am grateful for my mom and dad, opening the space for us to celebrate them all.
Thank you for being there physically and in spirit.
Whether you bought tickets , donated cookies and drinks ,
shopped at Cosco , cooked jambalaya ,
created Balloon art for a straight four hours( I’ve never seen kids wait in line so long before ) ,
created an unbelievable ballon arch ( I do have a picture of that :),
donated cups, cookies, hats, sweatshirts, booked jumpy house and potties and a D.j ,
made signs , bagged marshmallows-graham crackers and chocolate for s’mores ,
helped me come up with the new logo :) ,
moved Celia’s lemonade stand from our house to the Field,
ordered chips last minute, picked up and delivered tables and tents,
sold sweatshirts and hats the entire time .
Donated an entire pig and figured how to keep it warm for hours before.
I know I am forgetting things.
It took Mike’s army to pull it off, no doubt.
If you just simply text me the day of, that you were thinking of us.
I am grateful for it all.
Whether you helped set up, and clean up.
If you drove far or just down the street to be there.
Whether you are friends of mine, Mike’s, our families , or our kiddos.
Each of you was a gift to see AND
A beautiful reminder of how far and wide Mike’s love spands,
here and now.
Even today as holidays come
Roaring in like a freight train,
Even as I sit with tears,
I am reminded of the light each of you are in our lives
And I am grateful.
The field day was light.
Light in the dark cocoon
That I feel I am in right now.
It is the reminder of the butterfly .
The next chapter, that I often forget while I am tucked in this
Cocoon of grief.
Graham and I have been reading the very hungry caterpillar each night,
If you couldn’t tell where my inspiration was coming from.
I feel I have been living like a caterpillar.
I feel like I am eating my way through grief each day,
somedays it feel like strawberries,
Field Days of fresh strawberries and sacred moments with other patients,
hopeful an inspiring ways of keeping Mike’s love alive.
And some days I eat through cake , jealousy and anger.
Yes I have my cake and eat it too.
I get a sugar rush of energy and flatten out.
I just want him back.
And then I add a Celia style, thick layer of icing ,
sprinkle the salt on the open wound.
The layer of guilt.
For having any and all of the feelings.
“ I should feel this way, I should be better by now”
“I have so much to be grateful for.”
I feel like I am working my way into the cocoon.
I have definitely worked my way into the cocoon.
I am ready for the butterfly to take flight.
I am ready for that stage.
I am exhausted from trying to be ok each day.
I am exhausted from missing Mike.
Maybe that’s it, maybe it is my full time job, and that is why I am so tired.
His love was big
And the Field day ,
Is my constant reminder of the just how big
It is the reminder of the butterfly.
A peek if what can happen
When I surrender.
When I accept things they way they are.
When I surrender
Butterflies don’t live long.
Their beauty is only to be enjoyed for a short time.
And maybe that is it.
That each feeling is fleeting
That no feeling is forever
Not even the most joyful ones
Like the feelings felt that afternoon
On the field.
I also have to go fully into the cocoon
Ginny ( my therapist ) reminded me this week,
That in the cocoon , is where the most beauty is created
That she is excited for the butterfly for me,
but that being in the cocoon is good
And so important too.
I have to give myself
The gift of permission
To be there
in the darkness
Good and bad
Joy and despair
Nothing last forever
I hope you know , that as I have not written you each note of gratitude ..YET.
I hope you know that I am grateful for you
I am grateful for you as I am tucked in to the dark cocoon of grief,
on my couch with hallmark movies, retail online shopping therapy,
with wine and gummy bears… my pity party cocoon of grief.
While I am there, the reminder of you , the butterfly , the Field day,
Is what pulls me out.
Thank you for loving me through it all.
I wish you a restful, peace filled thanksgiving.
With no guilt or shame in eating too much pie or turkey.
With no guilt in feeling like you don’t have it all together.
And no guilt in feeling like you are in the cocoon.
With the reminder
The butterfly is coming
I have been writing to you again each night.
The weight of missing you at night has hit me like a ton of bricks again.
I feel sure you hear me.
This morning at 329 am, Pearl woke me up
and she never ever does wake me up in the night to go out .
Yes, She is the perfect dog, and yes she was your idea..ha and thank you.
But she woke me up this morning.
And when I let her out , the moon was in plain view.
It was pink and there was a slice , a thumbnail showing.
I had to look it up because I had never seen anything like it.
It was a lunar eclipse with a beaver ( full ) moon.
All too scientific for me.
To me is was you.
It was proof of the miracle of life.
Of not understanding the magnitude of how big and wide
Our universe is.
That we are tiny in existence
So who is to say
You weren’t there watching that moon with me .
I believe you were
And your reminder that the crescent moon is gods thumbnail.
And that although I am in this dark cocoon of missing you.
You and God are with me there too.
Even if it is just a sliver.
That I must keep trusting and not questioning.
I miss you snookie
We have new merchandise hats and sweatshirts ! I finally uploaded them to the website.
They would make great Christmas presents 🎁